a thing called closure

I had the strangest dream
yeah I remember
I had the strangest dream

I dreamt that I was back at the museum

one vacant winters night

and there I shared words with dippy:

that vacant winters night
at the museum, it was beyond trippy!

mid-conversation 

with the bones of a dead dinosaur

I saw, something 

something out of this world;

a beam of silver light
(from a UFO)

came streaming down from the ceiling

I was overcome by the strangest feeling.

I think I was missing
I think it was 'missing'

I think I miss the museum:
its coloured stones, its ageing bones 

human-beings and what-could have been's,  

-maybe, eventually-

friends, ah well dippy, he sends

his regards. 

(we depart: dippy and I)

but I long to go back to the beginning of time

maybe I could find; a way to say
(to myself)

-it's coming-

-it's already here-

-it's coming-

-there's nothing to fear-
(eternity)

hollow pages

look, 

so I bought 

this new sketchbook 

because well, I wanted to draw

the dead creatures that wore
empathy on their decaying flesh
yes, I wanted to draw, I wanted to etch
the dead flesh of the dead creatures
that spoke to me, that kept me company
during my duration
of madness
(unreality)
-inherent sadness-
-a certain gladness-
washed over me
I wanted to capture it
But then I left,

suddenly I left and now I'm left 

with too many empty pages
blank 

-alongside-
(memories of absent faces)
blank
watch. silently. watch
-the dying phases of the moon-

soon be forgotten
-everything-

behind church pews

four Muslim girls 

sunshine and colour

praying side by side

behind empty pews
inside

St Mary the Virgin Church 

in the old city of Oxford  

each a third-

Christian, Jew, Muslim
each a third-
Black, Brown, White

are we really so different?

or is it all just an empty front?
a never-ending charade
that one day will come to fade

Children of Abraham 

-just let go-

-inside this crazy head

man there are just so many things that I wanta do!

it's true and as soon as I become whole again, 

man, there ain't nothing left for me but to start anew,

yeah when I get better, there ain't no stopping me, 

but first I just need to be

-perfectly aligned-

I gotta get well, cos shit man, I can't tell 

you how much I wanta do,
ima do so much excellent stuff! 

cos I've had about enough

of this static life

-first thing-
ima buy an ice cream van 

travel the country with a print-out map in hand

swim to the outer hebrides
-and then-

ima learn to fish, yeah ima go fishing every day 

ima establish my very own place
by the edge of a beautiful lake

-maybe meditate- 

who knows where, who know's how I'm gonna get there

but inshAllah I'm gonna get there

and man ima teach you all one thing 

in exchange you can teach me something too, 

or bring me a plate of food.
I ain't that fussed, trust. 

Man ima find God again. 

Lord, ima come back to You

ima discover a new life form, something blue, 

something in the form of a strange creature, 

that creature will teach you,
how to be

 and ima share its ideas with the preacher
that's right, the preacher

everyday and every night ima escape gravity
-its in humankind's capacity-
(know that)

ima sell my pokemon cards on ebay 

and use the money to stay

some place cheap
when I'm done I'll say  

GAMSAHAMNIDA!

ARIGATOU!

MERCI!
GRACIA!

SHOOKRIA!

TACK!

ASANTE!

HVALA!

yes ima say thank you, to the world
-with such valour-

every day ima say, thank you
THANK YOU
world

and ima buy a chicken and fry up the eggs 

in some dusty garden in Sri Lanka

please thank her, for me, for the idea.
I'm gonna see
my plans through. 

Most importantly though

ima find God and free myself from all worldly matters.
-till then-

ima jam with the anarchists and the philosophers

write manucripts, walk through the salt lakes of bolivia

ima build a space ship and travel to the moon

how soon, how soon do I have to wait

before I can re-create myself, my life-

before I can buy that juice bar
in trinidad or was it panama?

man I got so much living to do 

and you, why don't you
just break free with me!
In a moment of clarity

yeah and I'd play the bongo with da beatniks, 

read these whacked out poems aloud 

to those with passion in their hearts, 

I think ima also make my fam proud

-somehow-

but first ima nick a rickshaw 

and drive across the korakoram highway 

straight through to china

maybe work on the rice paddies
maybe make friends with a farmer 

or some ardent learners, along the way

I call this living! I hafta say, man I hafta say 

this be the life, for me. I can't wait to be

whole again. So I can send
you postcards from every corner of this earth,
mirth in my eyes, as I write
this poem, yeah ima take photo's all around 

and tell my stories 

to anyone who'll listen, listen

ima pound my fist against every door

ima realise what it's all for; life, existance

yeah ima walk to Mecca
 and follow in the footprints of the holy

ima make it to the promised land, solely 

for Your sake.
See every time I'm afflicted 

my mind, it remind's me of all the places I want to go 

and all the things I want to see, all the things I wanta be

but then I forget. I set

myself up for nothing. But not this time.
this time man ima sit in a cafe in cuba

where ima play the tuba

for a bit of loose change; to get me through
the day

man the life I wanna lead, it ain't no life of greed.

It will bring me to nowhere-ness.
ima ride back, on a horse through Mongolia

bum around with my nomad pals
and yeah

ima do my wudu in streams and rivers everyday 

ima pray, in some beautiful place

on mountain tops and desert sands.

ima write another book, a better one, just lend me a hand 

beautiful one, lend me a hand
ima go on an epic road trip 

through America. ima break into Macbeth's castle, 

play make-belief by the ruins in peru

Ima ride my scooter, the kid's one, through 

some hills, maybe in Jeju Island near souf korea

Ima be a warrior!
-phantasmagoria-

 Ima make a film 

about something that actually means something

and ima dance under the stars to the sound of a waterfall

at night Ima call 

upon You. 

Ima be a proper muslim 

such a proper muslim that I won't care about doing 

none of this stuff no more

because well, there's so much more

to life than that

-exceeding beauty-

-exceeding beauty-

-exceeding beauty-
EVERYWHERE

riggy and i

To the folks at 

spring personnel; 

I wonder could you tell 

that we were sisters? 

cos' we sure looked different

on the surface; 

riggy and I

she looked like one of you 

with her neat smile, her bangs 

and her immaculate shoes

and her make-up that made up 

another dissimilarity

I guess for the sake of clarity 

I stuck to my reebok classics

and in classic sy fashion

I left them out one night

and returned in the morning to find

that the fox had ripped them to shreds

they're still outside now;

the shreds; torn apart; 

only threads

remain 

But despite our outward differences

our manner of speaking

it's intriguing 

how similar we actually are

 riggy and I;
we're part of an undying star.

A Boy Called Donnie

Do you believe in time travel? 

Frank the giant rabbit asked Donnie

-do you believe in time travel?-
slowly, so slowly
...it all began to unravel

-like an axe through bronze-

like the painted swans

that watched Cherita Chen dance
(a sad dance)
and
the ex nun 

-Roberta Swan-
who walked to and from

a letter box, 

-awaiting the equinox-

-exposing the paradox-

of life

grandma death, she said- 

'every living creature on earth dies alone'

he thought perhaps, I don't want to die alone
but I must atone, for my sins-

Donnie, son, you didn't give a damn 

about Jim Cunningham 

and his warped philosophy of fear 

...Jim didn't dare
look you in the eye
because he knew
he knew you were right...
she asked you some nights later

'Is the search for God absurd?'
and you voiced your thoughts

It is if we all die alone

came your reply Donnie,
she left a message on your mother's phone
a ghost message, it was never received
Donnie, do you know that Frank 

he turned your mind blank

you didn't thank him enough, 

you just carried on talking about buff 

smurfs. He told you to do it.
You burned it to the ground

you found 

a way of travelling back in time

and if violence is a product of fear

of course you were scared,
admittedly, you were scared

-terrified-
It messed you up. It made you see.

I believe, Donnie, I believe that
you are a troubled and confused young man-

Donnie I believe that you were part of a plan

God's time, destiny allows you to see 

into the future,
and you can try
you can try
to cut it out with the sutures  

but pointing the gun
-paralysed by fear- 

it ain't the answer, son-

Or is it, and why

why why why why

why are you wearing 

that stupid man suit?

It doesn't suit you, it doesn't suit who
you are soon to become,
that gun, put it away Donnie

'I hope when the world comes to an end 

I can breathe a sigh of relief 

because there'll be so much to look forward to'
you said that. it all made sense.
you didn't look so tense, then. you looked as ease
-wait-freeze-
what happened to your eye? don't lie-
I won't let it slide;

sometimes I doubt your commitment to sparkle motion-

what a commotion, Donnie, what a commotion

you stirred! by burning it to the ground,

-profound-
you found, a way to confound certainties
though action, through questions,
through aggressive behaviour 

Frank, was he your saviour? 

you tapped the knife against the mirror

-break, break, break-
-take, take, take-
me back to the beginning.
I just want my son to experience some relief

and I have to believe, 

that I'm doing right, your mother said
cellar door:

prescribed nonsense, you call this clarity

let me teach you about this thing called charity

I'm trying to save these kids, in a bid to save myself

I don't want to die alone

-replace it with a sunset against the grand canyon-

Frank, when's this going to stop? 

drop. drop. drop

erase the past
gone.

Syria

Syria

your interior

its crumbling;
your two cities 

damascus and aleppo
wrecked
-it's troubling-
that a civilisation so great

should suffer such a sorry fate
ravaged by violence,

too long we've been silenced;

Syria,
you've become a mirror

for the discord and pain 

wracked amongst our people 

this fighting, is it all in vain?

and here, connected

for all our lands are affected

all our lands

(all arid sand)
are soaked in blood

perhaps its for time another flood

to wipe us out

and wash the streets clean

Beloved Noah, could it be foreseen

this obscene, state of nature?
for now its clear, that the earth needs 

cleansing before commencing

to rebuild

the city

the lost city of damascus
What you used to be,
I remember it so clearly-

your lively souks, your beautiful spirit 

these empty lyrics 

they do no justice,

damascus

mountains surrounded you 

solid
(honest and true)

and the ummayad mosque 

gleaming, so seeming

untouched for centuries

this timeless city

where the holy walked

I never thought 

it would happen

not like this

-we've been decieved-

and it's hard to believe

that slowly you're being destroyed

I remember that moment of peaceful

on a hightop overlooking the city 

at night, the lights
they shone so bright
Now, here, torn asunder

the oldest civilisation
-a clap of thunder- 

humankind with each blunder

do you not learn, do you not take head

humankind do not plead

innocence

for the olive trees bear witness
to every action and every inaction
syrians: of this kind

life, how did it grind 

to a halt, who's fault 

is it: the continuation
of the occupation 

of a broken city 

once so pretty

what a heart-wrenching pity

that it's come to this 

I don't understand still 

why so much blood is being spilled
and why we just go on living

when we're all human 

when its been proven 

so many times before

that war
is hell

war is hell.
syria....

privilege

are you from privilege? 

I should have said yes

cos' the more I think of it

the more I realise that less

is more, and the more obvious 

it becomes-

see I got food in my stomach 

and a roof over my head

I got everything I need to live

so I should've said yes

but its funny 

back there

back in the city of dreams 

I would only eat veg 

I would wash in candlelight

-cold water in winter-

i would cook and clean

and stare at the stars and just dream 

at night

rarely would I watch tv

more often I would just share stories 

about the worlds beauty

to the guru's and the children 

and I gotta say that was privalege

love is privalege

but a different kind, it was sublime

that life; that was living

giving and giving
-forgiving- 

and learning
and I'm burning 

to go back, 

no. not back, but forwards

I wonder though 

am I just remembering wrong?

see they often say that I

remember things different 

to how they really were

'really' I don't know much 

about 'really', but actually 

actually I want my dream to come true

I want to create a new 

world, a microcosm 

of pure joy 

of simple privilege

one day
one day I hope to cross that bridge...

in awe

cool air

the smell of fire

streams of golden light;   

the final hour

is dawning upon us all,
there's no time left to stall
there's no time left to call
upon your witness
-the time has come-
the time has come now
for you to bow 

your head

in awe

for
all other chances
have vanished into the smoke
of an uncertain history...

say nothing

time to define

who I am, 

where I'm going

right now 

i'm thinking of throwing 

it all out (again)

for You, 

see, I'm through 

with so much 

and so much 

is through with me

You've brought me to 

my knees (in a good way)

just give me the strength to say
Lord give me the strength to say
-nothing-

where am I again?

-there I was 

at a leaving do 

for two strangers

two strangers

I never even knew;

a feast of food

before me and 

unfamiliar faces

all around;

I was bound 

to retreat
before tears were shed, 

tears of the two strangers
two strangers that I just met

before I lacked the graces

to say the right words

-the words blurred-

-they went unheard-
there i was;

impending departures

speeches and emotion;

not mine, not belonging to me

but I was going through the motions 

as I sat there

as I so often do 

and wondered

as I so often do 

where am? where am I again?
where am I?
I wish I knew...

cross the heavens

...changes- so I left;

and you deactivated your twitter

and travelled to Jerusalem 

I wish I went with you

to the promised land

I planned,
to cross the heavens that night

yes, that journey, it had to be right!

man, AG, I got so many questions

for the holy, I got so many questions.

red soil

I sat there

drinking tea with this

hard-core italian

humanitarian worker

and between sips

she kept on talking 

about walking 

lines in Mogadishu 

and loadin' up ak-47's 

...before the war, in Syria, 

that was heaven, she said

-now I know, she's led 

the fast life, 

in broken countries

I know she tried to do right
by the people 

not carin' about the monies;

she said she misses it

she said she doesn't fit into it,
stable living, I be trippin' cos

now she be contemplating 

becoming a fisherwoman

in a tropical land

man, I knew I was on to

something, and walking through 

Tottenham Court Road 

listenin' to 

'land of promise'

I promise you, I thought I knew

that my heart was buried

somewhere deep in Africa
somewhere deep

in Conrad's
Heart of Darkness...

coca cola girl

she da defination

of muslim cool

dat swagger, dat poise

dat power to overrule

any fool, dat's right-
dis girl yeah, she's proper bright

she's worked in a coca-cola factory
in somalia wiv da boys

(and she did so outta choice)

but now da sight of a coke can,
it brings back trauma
and so da girl don't drink coke no more
lemme explain; (without laying da blame)
on anyone, dey messed up da delivery
she couldn't sleep at night
from all da worry, so she told 'em
ship dem in from wherever
dis country needs some cola
and I endeavour;
 to make it happen.
 coca-cola girl, you so cool.

orange light and fragrant smoke

...fragrant smoke
orange light
two bums
sat there one night
laughing like maniacs
and puffing out melon fumes
sharing morbid jokes
and talking about the trouble that looms

shit that will one day come to pass

there in the freezing cold

there in some dodge shed
what led
to that moment in time-

one of the bums nearly died

yeah she nearly died

but she defied

herself, 

she defied the harm

-she broke the alarm-
-she broke the alarm-
she smashed it up, proper
now nothing can stop her...
...orange light
fragrant smoke
-she broke
the alarm-
-she broke the alarm-

life: it's supposed to be hard

-waning
sighing, 

breaking

from all this trying

still I'm defying

it. yes, I'm defying it-

let me be brisk

let me just say this

life is hard

but it's supposed to be

so don't grieve

for too long 

pick yourself up

dust yourself off

shit happens 

and yes, I'm talking 

to myself again

Sy, just go at your 

own pace, have heart
don't disgrace

yourself-

don't quit on life

not now, 

just don't quit.

flying rickshaw

...protests on the streets

crowds of people

the sky a deep pink

and a flying rickshaw

a flying turquoise rickshaw

are you sure

it happened that way?

I have to say,

that you my friend

are an idiot

who else

would befriend

a stranger in the gardens 

stalked on wheels

motorbike on tail

trailing through, failing to get to
any place

Grand Trunk Road

ah life, what a load

of strangeness-

laughing now at all the

stupid things I've done
what a plum!

the difference between want and need

the strangest days

tears of laughter-

of loss, of grief
what I'm after

I never get, but what I get 

is always better

for my soul, not my desires;
the strangest days
eluded by time

hidden in a secret place 

yes I got a new job, quit another 

a good friend left, 

but then came the other

and bones, night bones

she walks from 

Holborn

to Brixton, 

an hour each way... 

I have to say 

I forgot cylops exist, 

humans beings incapable of 

being human...

there and here

-nine to five

this ain't no life

for me

man, i'm still lost

i still don't give a toss

about nuffink

but ima save up

and get me a juice bar

somewhere afar

perhaps trinidad

perhaps panama

sit in da sun

that be my next plan

ima run, ima run

man, I don't know

just like that

fings change

yesterday I was breaking up

with da museum

i was talking to fred

he said

ima kid and he be right, i am

and david and I, we be talkin

about afroman

but today, now i'm in

some random office off

shaftsbury avenue
it's true, this is my life
...another new start

praying in jummat

with random muslims

from random charities

in a place wiv

showers and twenty-four hours

office access

they be making me

a fire marshall 

cos I be certified

but i sure ain't qualified
and there on the floor
I sat next to some crazed nut

some neurotic skeleton

with wires for veins

man and I thought I was insane!

...and shrouded by

that same sterile light

sitting at my desk

i was still tryna fight

the urge, the growing urge to

walk, only day one

ima screwed...

go forward

It's been a real hard year

you know
that I'm proper scarred, yeah?

but listen, hear me out,

if the future is an abyss

and you're unclear of which

way to go

just go forwards,

just go towards,

the thing your heart wants-

because the pure heart 

well... the pure heart

is never wrong...

sunday morning

-one sunday morning 

March, 

bitterly cold

snow falls and 

the forceful wind

blows against me 

the streets are all empty 

a trail of blood 

leads to the cottage

fresh still-

I'm ill, 

so still, 

so empty

so alone

so hurt

I've blown 

everything

and the wind blows me

and I still can't see 

-I bleed-

but I still don't take heed

-life-

I want to disappear into thin air

I want to forget I was ever here

(on earth)

deep end

i swam 

i swam 

I kicked my legs 

and I swam 

straight 

into the deep end

i swam

have heart

-another new start 

dear, have heart 

and just keep going...

what if...?

-involuntarily, 

I sift

through each and every

what if... 

what if...what if...

I'm leaving again

and I don't know when

I'll ever go back

but it's strange,

this time

I feel like I'll be leaving

something behind

or someone

or perhaps the possibility

of someone

the idea...?

perhaps it's just the fear

it's not so hard to tear 

myself away from here

for there's no one that I really care

about, right?

but what if....

what if...what if...

no, no, no

I'm not doing this

I'm not looking back

I'm not losing track

of my vision

I have a vision

and they say

that when you want something

the whole universe conspires

to help you achieve it

so I'll leave it

I'll leave the what if's...

but what if...

what if...what if...
what if...

lone ranger

...don't bother trying to save me 

this is who i am 

a lone ranger

a wayfaring stranger

an outlaw, and I saw

this coming 

a million years ago, 

back when I was mere dust 

floating in outer space

but I have to admit man

it hurt. It really hurt

-that dark winters evening in march

standing on the platform at south ken

listening to 2pac life goes on 

and not being able to say sorry 

you not knowing why I was the way I was

and k I never said anything

because I couldn't say anything

I still can't do goodbyes

I'm still struggling to get by 

and f***, I'm hurting

I'm breaking, I'm burning

I'm turning 

it all around in my head

-wish I was dead

-wish I was dead

(wish I has said) 

something perfect

something that made it all alright

God knows what it's been like 

my life, these last few months...

God knows,
but still it blows 

that I left like this again.... 

vague, but beautiful

this vague life man,

it's beyond beautiful 

(un-mutable)

it's a fact man
it's irrefutable

for even the impossible 

in this world, is doable, 

if you just believe

if you just conceive

of it, so lead a life 

that's beautiful, that's full 

of all the good things

for good breeds good

so just take the time  

would

you just take the time

to seek it out, beauty, it's all about

it can be found in a smile 

in a supermarket aisle

or set against a sunset, 

from a high place,
from the roof of neasdon temple

 from the top of hampstead heath

beneath it all, there is beauty

just be and see, really see

the small details 

the shadows and light

everything's more than alright

when you just, 

-be.

mountains: material and immaterial

so you went it alone

to the black mountains of wales

to the place that I failed- 

to reach, funny that you said 

you thought of me  

funny that I thought of you too

back last week,
back when I was feeling blue 

I'm still feeling a little blue 

if only you knew, but it's true

you can't
understand
you can't reach out your hand
and keep me from going under
the world will be torn asunder
one day and one day
none of this will matter 

not you, not me
not the mountains
not the sea
look, I need to talk to someone;
maybe myself, maybe you
though I can only talk through
this poem..
the truth is: the truth is: the truth is:
(avoidance)
the truth is I'm sick.
I've been afflicted
with a disease no one gets,
a disease that will not let 

me live the way I please
 this disease,
perhaps it's spiritual in nature,

but it doth enslave her-
it enslaves me 

hmm but maybe in another life 

I travelled to the black mountains

and you travelled to the coast

these synchronised encounters are most 

unusual and disconcerting

...hurting, I'm spurting 

out nothingness, to nobody
a shadow that once was
-at loss; I forgot. 

I wonder though unknowingly

did we depart on the same day 

did you feel the same way 

as me, sort of empty

sort of alone

did you fight the voices
in your head too- as you roamed, 

hmm we both made it

we both let it fade a bit

but its still there for the taking 

friendship, maybe...
-this stiff upper lip

i've inherited it

perhaps I was born to not to fit

into this place, perhaps I was born to 

to sit out of the things that matter 

and they tease me with possibilities,

beautiful ideas, for she's going to palestine
and I am here wasting time.
If only they knew

If only they knew. I tease myself too
I torture myself through and through
I guess maybe that's why 

I've stopped talking to people-

you know, let me tell you 

I wanted to stay in touch

very much
 I wanted to stay in touch 

but the circumstances were such

that I couldn't
can you tell I'm projecting
I'm talking to someone else through you?
I'm speaking to you
I'm speaking to you
(you're not reading this)

and I can't make you 

or anyone else understand the fact 

that physically, I have to rest my chemistry
I'm lacking,
killer cells are attacking 

me and so are the voices

the labcoat said

there are so many things

science can't explain

I think she thought me insane

I wanted to sit out in the rain 

it was raining outside

I wanted to hide
the world goes by 

as time flits and drags, I flag;

never did I brag.
I'm talking to you....

But now it's the end of march

three lost months of hard living

of giving it my all 

of breaking my bones 

with every fall 

and sticking them together with tape
you can't escape, you can never escape
yourself...

ah funny still, I have so much to say 

in 'real life', so many stories to share 

wisdom to impart, but I no longer care

for sharing, you don't understand 

I can't get through to myself
how can I get through to you?
Robert Frost was right, it's true
nothing gold stays,
Pony Boy, they destroyed you
I've had it with me...

some days it's hard to breathe.
dots upon dots
some days it's hard to see.
man, what am I on...? (ignore me)

hiding out in dungeness

have you ever heard the story...?

probably not as I just made it up

I'll ask again, have you ever heard the story?

well let me tell it to you in a version uncut-

it's the story of an ex-con named steely martin

not many were smarter than him

for this guy, he escaped from prison

and not just any prison, but wandsworth prison
listen mate, wandsworth prison
 it's worse than belmarsh,
they treat 'em real harsh

in there...so I hear...

anyway so steely somehow escaped from jail

and hailed down a van 

it was part of his plan, he had a plan 

he would start a brand

new life in dungeness

that's right,

he escaped to dungeness

england's very own 

'wild wild west'

and there
steely spent his days

in an assortment of ways 

wishing and forgetting,

fishing and sketching 

wretched pictures- it figures 

he spent his nights 

in the drafty lighthouse

the sound of the waves did arouse 

him from his sleep, he would keep 

awake and listen to the raging winds
seldom did natures noise bring

him any peace, but at least

 he was no longer in jail

for the coast was far more pretty

than the brick and mortar city

that homes convicts- far better to up sticks 

and move to a place like dungeness

a place of noisy rest- 

a place far more vast, far more homely

far less lonely than empty cell, 

in Wandsworth prison. 

new life

so i wrote a list of all the people 

i need to apologize to

i apologise but i threw

that list away 

cos' well, todays a new day

and i'm not looking back 

i'm sorry i lack 

the energy to make things right

but ima start a new life

right now ima start a new life

rubbish tree

an orange recycling bag
slowly began to sag

filled with rubbish

from a branch it hung

high up it clung 

to a weak wooden limb

rubbish adorned him

and certainly tree
he looked forlorn 

certainly tree
he wished a storm 

would blow the bag away 

for he couldn't remove 

it himself, he was a tree

and tree only moved 

with the wind-

don't worry
rubbish tree 

don't worry about the rubbishy

rubbish that claims you

it will soon be gone
you're wooden arm belongs
to you alone-
respect.

still talking to myself

...here i be

procrastinating 

by re-creating 

the present 

through words 

through pictures

will these empty expressions 

act as

predictors?

truth be, 

I ain't got a clue

I got an interview

later today

outside it's grey
should i even bother to say
that i feel like
i'm in another world

this interview 

it's for a job 

i applied for

back last year

back when I cared

about stuff like jobs

...I wonder
should I go,

should I lunge 

forward 

should I prepare 

ah why don't I care

about stuff no more

i just want to be well again,

so i can do good when
i know goodness
heals...
I wonder
should i flake
for the sake
of sanity-?

vague

life, man,  

it's beyond vague
can you with surety tell
 the real from the fake?

are you awake?

are you really awake...?
for the sake
of everything, open your eyes
open you eyes now.

hmm this temporary abode

i think
is a load 

of nothingness

kind of like 

a Lichenstein painting

sort of static, 

sort of ever-changing 

sort of never-remaining 

the same, but at the same
time ingraining...
what?- blurred, abstract

 yes, it is hard to detract

this from that 

truth from fiction. 

fiction from truth 

the difference between the two
-blurred; real words, those unheard
but spoken, still-

I don't get it....?  

when all, is just a production 

empty and flimsy-
a paper world 

any moment it will fold in on itself,

a paper world
made up of dots 

lots and lots 

of dots

they give it away

they form

they fall 

in front of eyes-
'real eyes,
realize,
real lies.'

daffodils

poem confessions
a string of empty
expressions

daffodils say yes 

spring has arrived

as last, 

now it's your task

bright yellows

to wake up all other 

flowers, 

perish winter hours, 

go quietly, 

for birdsong has arrived

and the green woodpecker

is finally at ease with his 

fellow creation

patience-

it pays off...

secret mulberry tree

i was looking all over 

for my old mulberry tree

in the gardens of kew; a distinct memory-

(happiness) as a child-
sunshine, wind; running through
fountains and picking fruit 

off my secret mulberry tree

now here, a 'grown-up'
i still haven't owned up
i still haven't given up
i still cannot find it-
vanishing

mulberry tree? mulberry me? 

a purple dream?
purple hands
purple tongues,
 as it stands:

i'm still here, out of my mind,
mulberry tree-  

i'm still wandering through 

these endless gardens of time

in search of you

sublime, beautiful sublime, 

the ghost of my mulberry tree

will appear before me 

one of these days...

pagoda reveries

meditating alone 

at the foot of the pagoda 

if only i could show her

what she meant to me

birdy souls

countless heads

of countless dead 

birds
and words

written below 

specimens 

left out for show;

birdy souls, 

in paradise now, 

somehow

I know it to be true

foolish eternity

...in dark hours

lengthy melodies

grow destructive

mosquito instructed 

the voices to be cool, 

those voice made a fool- 

of a thing, called 'Eternity'

certainty; comes and goes

-wait- for it. 

a girl I know

...this girl yeah, she's proper bi-polar

one minute she's yer best mate 

the next she acts like she don't know yer

it'll throw yer,
off track, take you back, 

to the beginning

my advice, forget her

find someone, who's less work...

haunting

J-
random art boy, that day, 

i walked right by you 

hope you didn't notice

for i am nobody- 

a ghost, haunting
this empty city

forgiveness

I don't forgive you,

not after you knew 

how hard it had been, but still-

i'm glad it made you laugh;

this thing that's rendered me half-

a person. look, i'm out for a while, 

and while i love you, 

sometimes I feel like I'm through- 

with all people, but please 

don't take it personally 

i just need to be there for me 

cos' right now I'm all I've got.

to four kind ladies

four kind ladies

your kindness 

it fazed me 

but right now 

i gotta do 

what's best for me

sorry i walked 

but i gotta be free

i hope one day

you'll understand me

I hope one day

you'll understand

the reason why
I had to flee

see, more than 

anything 

i need a clean slate

i need a fresh break 

from all old things

i'm sorry, thank you

for your kindness

four kind ladies

tube snifflers

three snifflers, on the tube

sitting side by side

trying so hard not to be rude-

they sniffle in synchrony, 

together they create a sweet symphony- 

of sniffles, 

sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff

sniff sniffle, sniff sniffle

men- be men, let your noses

run a little! don't be afraid

for them sniffles, 

they just want to escape 

the dark spaces 

inside your nostrils

let all noses

run...!

Hallucinating in the Bird Gallery

Parrot said to

Sy, don't lie

to yourself

life is too short

just ask the dodo

it's time for you to go-go

Sy, it's time for you

to leave this place

just know

that you can't erase

forever; forever.

Sy said,

Parrot, what should I do?

there was a time

I thought I knew

that time has gone

I was wrong

and now I don't belong

anywhere.

Albatross butt in then

and said Sy,
your one precious life

is passing you by

and you're wasting it

by dwelling on each new hit

instead try to make the best

of each and every test

that comes your way

Sy said, Albatross

I'm trying

but it's hard and I ain't

got no friends in these ends

or any other ends

I cut myself off

I sent them all packing

but it's only 'cos I'm lacking

humanity

and a certain degree

 of sanity...

Sparrow said lo

and behold, 

you're doing it again

moping when

you should be holding fast

Share your problems with God

not me you sod, I don't care. 

Sy said, Sparrow

look at me I'm covered in arrows

I'm bleeding and you're feeding

into this stupid empty story 

ain't no pain in glory

it's just plain gory- life!

Owl 

quietly chirped-

the louder you howl 

Sy the less you'll be heard

better to keep it inside

better to keep your words silent

for violence breeds violence.

Swift then said 

lift up your head

dear, fake it till you make it

or better yet break it

and rise again like 

the noble phoenix 

Sy said, thank you dead birds

for your thoughtful words, 

I'll take them on board

for I can't afford

to ignore you all now!

Somehow

I'm going to find my way

again....

creative loner

creative loner-

the sole owner

of her own self;
lately
she's reverted to type
she's given up the hype
and instead
gone back
to ghosting
-she ghosts, 

from everyone
she knows 

...no longer,
does she play host-

yet on her blog 

she continues to post 

poems and pictures 

for she doesn't
-yet-

 have the will

to cut-off completely

the problem with this girl

there are many problems
with this girl

i've taken the trouble to write a list,

watch- as she slowly unfurls

this girl; she's smacked, whacked
completely wracked,
with uncertainty

she's too sick to function,
yet too thick to say no

too tired to sleep,
too invested to let go

too proud to admit defeat,
too caught in the undertow

too unaffected to weep

too closed-off to say so 

too beaten-down to leap

too stubborn to give into the woe
 too flaky to keep- 

up this empty show...

released into the world

...at the crack of dawn

a boy was born

and slowly- reluctantly,

he opened his tiny eyes

and soaked up the sterile light

then, right then, 

he let out a sharp cry

a wail, 

a whistle had been blown 

he was pinched by the devil

the playing field-

it was never level

from the onset, or was it?

was that child going to

be born a beggar or a thief

would his life be, full of grief

would he grow to be

a leader, a reader

a seeker, would he be weaker

than his father or rather

would he live to give 

his everything

to another...?

sense and stupidity

have you ever done

something so dumb? 

something so stupid

that it makes you want to run

every time you think about it...

...every time you think about it

it makes you want to run 

away from yourself

and everyone else

it makes you feel so low

it reminds you of a place 

you're unable to go

back to-

a time when things 

made sense....  

angels relent

...increase me in gains

spiritual in nature

remind me of my aim

t'is to become

ever-greater,

I need good data

for my book of deeds

I need to sow the seeds

of certainty once more

sweet angels relent and store

up good words
I need good words...

making that change

It's time now, 

just do it, 

just go

go on a whim

it's sink or swim

you've got nothing to lose

and everything to gain

if you don't 

you'll only ever blame

yourself, 

so just do it 

do it now, do it here

don't let the fear

stop you 

book an open return 

to Australia 

it'll be such an epic failure

if you fail to, 

the time has come for you

to move away for a while 

don't think, just do

up sticks, and go- just move!

stalker

dear stalker 

i'm not much of a talker

not these days (at least)
but still, let me give you

a bit of advice?
be wise, follow it-
go east!

writing whitstable

old friend,
i'm sorry I went without you

to be honest, 

lately i've been feelin' so blue 

and I knew

that I wouldn't be
very good company

so I went it alone, 

lately I seem to have grown

so weary of people

but I thought of you

when the train reached 

faversham

I thought I saw the two

of us walk by 

against that moody sky 

perhaps in another life

perhaps in an alternate universe
-unversed- I sighed

so I spent the day 

alone with my symptoms and the sea
as I walked, my rucksack felt so heavy-

it weighed me down;
the weight of the world
pressed against my shoulders

every day, I grow bolder
perhaps I (too) grow colder

but there i was trying to clear

my head, beat the fear

i was trying to destroy 

that part of me

see, listen
 I've got this theory

I have to break myself

completely, totally

I have to burn before I can 

return
to 'normal' 

before I can come 'back'

I have to press on
I have to turn my back
on wanting it gone...

I have to fight it 

by giving into it,
and also by killing it 

every day and

it's hard, shit man, it's hard

but all worthwhile things are

and I've come too far

to go back now. So I'll push myself

till I break, I'll let this thing take 

my everything 

for I'll be left with my real self

it's beatiful, I know, in a strange way

and one day, it will to get easier

when the fires burnt out 

and only ashes remain

that's when I'll gain

everything-

hmmm

the reason why I escaped to

whitstable in kent

perhaps to vent

to wallow

to swallow another reverie

to be,
see the graver it gets 

the braver I become 

I've begun 

to understand it now

I've had to plough

through years of memories

when I was sixteen 

i made it to stonehenge

unchanged
yet now at twenty-three

feel like I'm going on seventy

ahh this crazed medley 

this life, it will drive

you to the brink 

of insanity...

Ty and I

I felt like Ty 

hood up, eyes
steely, I gazed
at the waves
as they waved
as they raised
as they rolled
in and out

the bitter wind

it whistled so loud

and then later
much later
on the train back

my heart
beat hard
against that hard track,

furious and troubled

in sync with the rap
that I be listening to

these guys they knew

what I'm going through

and hood up still 

I lay my head back 

and looked up at the sky 

a hundred seasons 

on this day

I strayed

to another random place
the light-

euphoric, free

empty, silent, breathe. 

fighting, breathe, fighting

always. enlightening,

the fight
sometimes 

and the snow

dances outside the dirty train window

 and grey clouds give way to blues skies
the train flits by
the church spires, countryside and rivers

and that one solitary castle 

the king is within

each Ty, that exists.

city wanderer/ wonderer

I wandered today
around this city 

past the bright lights
of piccadilly- 

I know it's silly 

to wander all the time 

to turn each wondering 

into a rhyme, but I'm bored

so bored, so eventually,
I did board

another bus 

and on it I killed time 

by stringing together

the city's lines, 

text from billboards,
graffiti on walls

post-box warnings,  

signs adorning-
red bus, it went on
and on and on and on
past the home office,

parliament square

and trafalgar where

the fountains still spurt out

water and the lion watches on

as the sad busker sings his sad song

and the people, they congregate

to watch the horses parade

hmm London from a bus 

slow but to be fair
I could just stare
out of the window, forever

for London bus journey's are never
boring

stories exist all around
-imploring 

and the faces, I examine them 

from there, from my vehicle chair

from the back seat of a double decker bus

from above, I look, from above
this city exists for the-
wanderer/ wonderer...

stones were thrown

when life gets heavy 

just laugh, for half 

the world, will be 

there with you 

suffering in silence

but grinning out loud

so try, just try

to make them proud

those around you 

those willing you on

make them realise 

that despite being far gone

you will return 

fighting, in time

and by time

endure with patience

endure with dignity
see,
at circle this afternoon

I heard that stones 

were thrown

at my beloved prophet

by children

and he was bleeding

head to toe-

rejected

desperate
dejected

he walked out of the city

his was a bad day

incomparable to ours

for the beloved, those hours

passed

and so will all other earthly hours

time be transient

so are we

so we bleed

prophet 

I love you 

more than anyone 

and anything 

in this world-

in this world

find me again.