Mother

mother, love, sparse words

in a faraway tongue, unevenly spread

our connection- mother, our connection

it feels dead, 

...non-existent...

do you still exist? 

I barely do- 

our relationship, 

mother has been reduced

to a half-conversation

in the waiting room of a vague ward-

through wires; poor reception, 

neither receptive, 

am I reflection, of you mother?

have I forgotten what you look like? 

have you forgotten how I am?

truth-

have I forgotten how you speak? 

mother, your love I seek. 

your comfort, your certainty

now and then, I seek it.

I wonder, is it genetic? 

this detachment, you said so

yourself- 

you told me, to never get too close

mother, this is what you taught me

to remain sane, one must detach

I'm missing you 

though to be true, to be real 

'missing', it is an abstract thing

and I lack the capabilities 

to engage with it, with 'missing'

only absence exists

nothing more, 

nothing less,

just absence

but know that I love you

mother, I want your warmth

 I want to speak your language

I'm in anguish-

absence, remind me

tell me to be better

tell me to be strong

tell me mother

that I do belong

some place 

in this empty lonely world. 

see mother, 

you kept me grounded

now here I am

 more confounded

than ever before

see, I've been at war 

with myself for so long

and still, even now, 

every day is a struggle

and I'm struggling to get through

I can see into hell and I can't tell 

you how hard this is mother,

that's why I don't pick up the phone

and dial your number 

mother, I don't want you to come back

because I lack, the spirit 

of your real daughter

the one you love-

I want to make you proud
I wish I knew how...