poem apologies

so I know none of you are reading this

that's why I'm finally writing it down

I realize it's long overdue

but you know
I've always been renowned

-for the over-due-
and as such
-the guilt, I've accrued-
has been great
the weight, I've incurred
has been weighty
-I want to be weightless-
so let me speak to you:
let me speak though
the written word
for it's all I can manage
at this present moment 

 I apologize.... if only I knew

then what I know now

I know somehow

nothing would change

everything would've remained

the same

still let me just say, sorry

I'm sorry E for never going back

for never leaving properly

for not returning like I said I would...

I couldn't, it was a matter of timing 

and I'm sorry D for not calling you back

after you drove me home on cold nights

whenever there was a lack

of transport,
know that I fully support 

you and your decision 

to leave. 

I'm sorry S 

for not replying to your message

(I don't think I ever will)

not because I don't want to 

just because i'm somewhere new

and I'm through with that, for now

for now I want to be
-un-scattered- 

I'm still battered: from the long hard winter

I'm sorry other S, for bailing that day

for not getting in touch since, to say

sorry. I am. Sorry.

and I'm sorry C, other C, for not making it

though we tried so many times

and that's why I've not been back in touch. 

you were there for me,

you understood me when no one else did

(human fragility)
-the experience of the otherworldly-

my guru, my teacher, i wish you knew

why I stopped replying...

why I disappeared

And J, I'm sorry never made it that day

or any other day after that

then too much time passed

with no words in between

and I'm sorry if I seemed

like I didn't care. I was just trying to be there

for me. And to the old gang

so many times I promised I'd visit

I didn't want to then because

i was failing and I knew

that you'd be disappointed 

I guess that goes for the rest of you too

poem apologies, who knew...

and to the girl who worked in Pooja 

I was supposed to show you around the city 

before you went back to India

sorry I didn't

and F, a hundred missed calls

I called you back a few times 

-empty lines-

-strange times-

and to all others who I may have 

wronged

I'm sorry. 

I hope you don't care

but I do and I hope I can find a way 

to actually be true and say
(as hard it may be) sorry
out loud. 

you know it's not that I'm proud

It's just, I forgot how...
Most of all
sorry you, truly madly deeply
 if only you knew
how much you mean(t) to me
even though it's through....