Sunday, 28 April 2013

poem apologies

so I know none of you are reading this
that's why I'm finally writing it down
I realize it's long overdue
but you know
I've always been renowned
-for the over-due-
and as such
-the guilt, I've accrued-
has been great
the weight, I've incurred
has been weighty
-I want to be weightless-
so let me speak to you:
let me speak though
the written word
for it's all I can manage
at this present moment 
 I apologize.... if only I knew
then what I know now
I know somehow
nothing would change
everything would've remained
the same
still let me just say, sorry
I'm sorry E for never going back
for never leaving properly
for not returning like I said I would...
I couldn't, it was a matter of timing 
and I'm sorry D for not calling you back
after you drove me home on cold nights
whenever there was a lack
of transport,
know that I fully support 
you and your decision 
to leave. 
I'm sorry S 
for not replying to your message
(I don't think I ever will)
not because I don't want to 
just because i'm somewhere new
and I'm through with that, for now
for now I want to be
I'm still battered: from the long hard winter
I'm sorry other S, for bailing that day
for not getting in touch since, to say
sorry. I am. Sorry.
and I'm sorry C, other C, for not making it
though we tried so many times
and that's why I've not been back in touch. 
you were there for me,
you understood me when no one else did
(human fragility)
-the experience of the otherworldly-
my guru, my teacher, i wish you knew
why I stopped replying...
why I disappeared
And J, I'm sorry never made it that day
or any other day after that
then too much time passed
with no words in between
and I'm sorry if I seemed
like I didn't care. I was just trying to be there
for me. And to the old gang
so many times I promised I'd visit
I didn't want to then because
i was failing and I knew
that you'd be disappointed 
I guess that goes for the rest of you too
poem apologies, who knew...
and to the girl who worked in Pooja 
I was supposed to show you around the city 
before you went back to India
sorry I didn't
and F, a hundred missed calls
I called you back a few times 
-empty lines-
-strange times-
and to all others who I may have 
I'm sorry. 
I hope you don't care
but I do and I hope I can find a way 
to actually be true and say
(as hard it may be) sorry
out loud. 
you know it's not that I'm proud
It's just, I forgot how...
Most of all
sorry you, truly madly deeply
 if only you knew
how much you mean(t) to me
even though it's through....