roads called destruction

for there are

so many roads ahead of me

but they all lead 

to place called destruction

yeah there are so many roads to take

there are so many people waiting for me to make

that choice to be free, but not free

just wrong. I don't want to go down

any of those broken roads that beckon

I don't want to meet 

any of them people that reckon

I'd be happier living their way, by their rules

no rules at all, adhering to desires

no sooner will it transpire---- sheer emptiness 

for I know it already 

and I promised I'd never give up on the path

the path
                                               I've been wandering (backwards)

for so many years, 

lord, I won't

I won't, I won't

follow them into the darkness

I won't follow them anywhere

I told them already

I'm waiting on You

and You alone, all else

is just pass-time, 

Lord this won't be the last time

I ask for guidance

Lord, help me find a way ///(out)

so god-damn beautiful

bride,

you looked so god-damn beautiful

it broke my heart

bride

you looked so god-damn beautiful

it broke my heart

bride

you're my best friend for life

my best friend for life

now your someone else's wife

my love, as I held your hand

there on that stage

as I made you laugh

I felt myself fade

into someone else, 

into your beautiful shadow

I felt bad though

//////////////-----yeah I was overcome
                                             by the strangest feeling

giving you away

having dinner with your mum

and feeling part of your family

at long last, 

yeah your mum, she kept us apart

                                   and so she can love me

she can love me now

                        that you're safe

a haunted kind of feeling

maybe its the graves

maybe its the screams

maybe its the way

you come at me in my dreams

/a haunted kind of feeling/

maybe it's the places

maybe its the faces

that dark dark darkness

that sparse sparse sparseness
so
heart, heart, heartless
/a haunted kind of feeling/

maybe its the wards at night

maybe its the shadows with(out) fright
looking down    
                                           from such a great height

/a haunted kind of feeling/

maybe I'm still reeling

from that time the heavy hospital ceiling

fell on my head

                                and I was left for dead

no I never said

                            nuffink------------

a haunted kind of feeling
a haunted kind of feeling
----here I be still spieling
                                                                 on about a haunted kind of feeling
//////respite, no more

sums that don't add up

I miss you, I miss you

I wonder whether all them

old myths were true

in the end, I would like to lend

you more than only subtractions

minus minus minus

all that I took away from you

I miss you, I miss you

I wonder whether all them

old myths were true

I wonder where I'll be tomorrow

or next year

Lord knows I'd like to be
                       some place other than here

////////////////////this junction

this same treacherous junction

another deduction

minus the clarity

multiply the confusion

/////////here at a junction
                                                                             called                           nowhereness
                            but where are you? 

are you between two 

worlds, both equally unreal

the sums don't add up

because you took away

without saying anything

but I wonder

what is there left to say

in this big world full of empty words

except maybe

I miss you, I miss you

I wonder whether all them

old myths were true

/////////forget it

that be life

don't you forget girl 

that we're all essentially alone

I admit I was thrown

I was proper hurt

but then I remembered

             //////////////////that be life

that be life

you just got to rise

up and be stronger than that

see that be life
that be life

that be the nature of human people

///////////////non-equal,
illusory and transient
invisible and absent
here one minute gone the next

and when you live like I do

you don't often get vex

you don't ever forget

that things were once true

even if they stop being that way

maybe someday

truth will reign

once again

who knows, all I know

is that we're all essentially alone

so don't go

calling anyone forever

so don't go 

expecting shit from anyone

that be life

that be life

you just got to rise

up and keep going
/////////////                     //////////////////////////////////////

free tilikum

tilikum

the orca

captured

from the aurora

and brought down 

to the sick sick world

of seaworld
seaworld
a dark place
where human people hurl

fish for tricks

more money for more pricks

-free tilikum-

the captured orca,

from the aurora 

residing to this day

in that sick sick place

of seaworld

there tilikum stares at his scars

through the reflections in the glass

orca, from the aurora

you deserve to see the stars

from the sea so far

from this sick world

of seaworld.

of human people

-free tilikum, free tilikum, free tilikum-

orca divine

why did humankind

capture you, 

orca

you weren't created

for a lonely life of trauma

free tilikum, free tilkum, free tilikum

whale psychosis

we're the most-est

screwed up 

species ever, ---- human people

how did you come to develop

a sick greed

the desire to breed 

more sad and angry tilikums

more orca's

destined to be brought to

concrete bath tubs

from mothers torn

a desire to be unborn///

free tilikum, free tilikum, free tilikum

cemetery blues

sitting there

on a broken tree trunk

in that

homely, lonely

cemetery

feeling like

death

wishing the spirit

never left

me on my own

on my own

amongst decaying flesh

and bits of corroded bone

sitting there

in the december sun

trying to see clear

trying to come

to terms with a thing called death

i wish you never left

me, sitting there

amongst wrecked

 and worn graves

listening to waves

of noise, ///algorithms///the crows

the children's laughter 

guard the

laughter

coming from the school 

the school i once attended

the dead say nothing,
as if thoroughly offended

by joy, by life

by, life
we will come to die
for none can defy
the inevitable

bingo babes/ granada grannies

granada grannies

the bingo babes of tooting

everyday you'll find them refuting

notions of aging

by engaging 

in sweet silly laughter 

friendship and play

everyday, 

they played bingo 

while speaking in a lingo

none would understand

and amongst them sat Mildred

a cocky loud-mouth gran

 determined to win back a grand

she lost, till then
poor Mildred was banned 

from entering the house till 12

but well

where else was there to go

but gala bingo

where all her friends were

enjoying life, 

granada bingo

a place lost in time

there she would sit

waiting, waiting waiting

for her number to come up 

/////////////////38- it came to late

as soon as she left 

it came on screen 

life is like that

d'ya get what I mean?

-granada grannies,

bingo babes, 

keep smiling in the face

---------------------------------of senility 

deptford creep

deptford creek

deptford creep

in the fog

it looked so bleak

in the fog

she looked so meek

deptford creek

deptford, it reeks

of blood now

and mud

 ------unnatural mud

on the surface,

her face

fades 

and scatters

amongst pieces of waders 

ripped into shreds

and pieces of raggedy

worn and hapless dreds

deptford creek

deptford creep

fox fur prayed

you would never meet

another

trippy london, day #673

the trippy moments

that made up a day

 two french rasta hippies

with rad moustaches gathered change 

in a quick exchange 

before jumping on the bus

and off again

at woodstock avenue

woodstock avenue

man, the view,
from above was near perfect
even on the surface
nothing close to ordinary

the carvings in the mud temple

in Wembley, the hole in the wall

an entertainment centre, all flash and secret

the broken little huts from the past

on either side of the tiny waterfall

the roofs were all
 caving in

the tin cans were dented in sin

and brent town hall 

memories of a wedding crashed

and getting lost in the woods at night

alone, as ever, 

the yellow sludgy stream

another toxic dream 

the empty beautiful pergola

almost unreal, completely deserted,

the setting purple sun

the flashes from a camera

that old restaurant owner who always

calls them darling in his posh
anglo-indian accent

and writing poetry
outside the poetry library at night
this

and never going inside

and getting in trouble for sleeping

pan-londonism-souf, norf, west and the rest

and latin american music

smoother than smooth

and more images than anyone can ever make 

sense of

like those two raggedy bums

sat together ever close

watching a tiny prehistoric scream

while grooming their long beards

and the 83 bus past that yellow building

retracing steps

the stadium

and places never known to exist

to exit

now

the trippy moments that make up a day

a hundred thousand to make up a life

girl what do you say?

-----------------------------------------london----------

----------is---------------weird----------------

baudrillard

hyperreality

we're living in it

diluted fiction
it doesn't really sit

well with the dreamer

its hard to see the

truth in anything

any more

december is cold

there, there, there

in another crowd I didn't know

there, there, there

no inhibitions, no caution to throw

to the wind,

there, there, there

I saw fire

I saw you through a haze of smoke

our eyes met girl, 

                                    but it was so broke

everything

what we were, what we had

my rock, my fam, my truest blad

you were a stranger then

(how did that happen?)

--------------yeah life, its so sad
but I'll be so glad,
when you are, just know

                              you won't ever be erased

you won't ever be replaced, 

-------------you'll just be

another bitter-sweet memory

-true love, fades-

but forever we'll remain

sisters
this I promise you

now is all you have

living in the now

no clue where I'm going

but I know somehow 

I'll get there

and even if I don't

it's the journey that matters

though sometimes the journey

it shatters

all hopes of an ending

worth mending

the broken incomplete-ness

that exists, nontheless

we learn,

we learn 

to live in the moment

to make moments mean

something or nothing

nonsense or articulation

moments that happen, that are

like laughing every day

with other human people, strangers and friends

like accepting yourself and everyone,
like trying to spend
time with real time, with real life, with reality

else, and realising 

that it don't matter

no it won't matter, one day

so say, just say

 what you want

whatever's in your heart

or else the what-ifs will start

to carve craters in your soul

stealing parts of you

----- and taking a toll

on what's left of a life-----------

the One is watching over you

------so live well

chilli sauce and surreal

chicken cottage

the baubles on the ceiling

surreal observations

without any feeling

------of reality

like six pairs of eyes

from six shades of colour

dull the 

(lights) and turn it into home----

six pairs of eyes,
                      somewhat alone

looking up 

                                     at a single screen

------a black and white dream

with subtitles

////a sundial----
                                malfunctioning
somewhere out there
like that sad old indian film

from the sixties

that they were all watching
                         ----transfixed

the somali youth
man behind the counter

the two travellers in the booth

they found a
escape, chewing on fries

their eyes
set on the screen

the baubles fast-fading

-------a black and white dream

chilli sauce and the surreal
images that fill
(collective minds)//
//////our london life

as a kid in lahore

since I was a kid

I learnt to pick

myself up 

and keep going

i broke my foot

i split my chin

i lost all my friends

yet nothing could remove the grin

on my face

and the passion in my heart

to explore

yeah as a kid in lahore

i learnt how to explore

I learnt to pick myself up

after each and every fall

I learnt to walk 

before I could ever crawl 

and now

I'm just still that kid

who am I kiddin'

I'll never change who I am

and I don't want to-----

strange birds

another day

another lake

another chance

I failed to take

there listening to birdy

listening to strange birds

listening to strange birds

watching two cormorants 

                                      two cormorants perched

on two high high branch

there listening to strange birds

there listening to strange birds

-my wounded wings still beating,

you’ve always loved the stranger inside…(me)-

//////signs/////// ----beating---- 

just being there -----breathing----

just being able to stare

up at the big big sky

and down at the big big lake

to be able to decipher

the real from the fake

and in the sun 

they seek me out

and they look through my eyes 

into my vacant soul and say

-hello-hello-hello-

the depths, I'll never know

or understand- 

human connection

yes life, it's strangely unfair

but so undeniably beautiful, 

that one ceases to care

about anything but the signs

beauty-----sublime signs (they mean everything)

but nothing, 

so don't read too much into them

for they'll just drive you mad

yet here- a dharma bum again,----so glad

for it feels so good

TO BE FREE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7hxIGKNhW1Q

namak mandi

you took me out 

of it

where I was

with water and wire

with loving and laughter

                                   -dire

---no more

circumstance, 

beautiful----- 

                                     the way you enhanced

my life with colours

with erasing smoke and somali strangers

speaking a tongue unknown

to know-----

it exists out there still 

there, with star-crossed plans

there singing terribly in grams

there in namak mandi

the salt market

you took it out of me

you took me out

of it

and I love you so much 

                                    for taking it out of me

-ten million billion times-

viking supreme

to be you 

viking

to travel 

to trade snakes

to travel

to never put your foot on the breaks

to track wild animals

the wildest of all animals

----human people

to be you 

viking

to just go

some place you don't know

to reside in jungles

to follow killer elephants

to go against the elements

to take no notice

of security codes

to have loads

and loads and loads

of courage

to be you

viking

for here, now---

I'm disliking

-----everything I am

..wandering by the shore (un--sure)....

...time lapse, 

                       perhaps

time---

                              didn't happen... 

(unsure, on the foreshore)

                                           ---for sure, 

time- 

                              didn't happen...

dawn

dawn

they yawn

they mourn

the nights descent

the mornings arrival

is was made clear

in the bible

kempis says

kempis says

kempis says

magic cave steward

hmm to be 

in the crystal cave

to watch the waters cascade

to wander to and fro

in a grotto where few come and go

hmm it might be

more than slightly

-magical-

there for you.

here///

feeling sad

for all my friends

who are feeling sad

here///

feeling bad

for all my friends

who are feeling bad

-tonight-

you're not alone

for it's a known

fact that we're living lives 

in parallels 

in the same city

-tonight-

in different cities,

in different parts 

of the world too

life is beyond strange, 

if only you knew

life is so sad

gosh if only we had

more time

if only we didn't have to
live our lives

in lonesome parallels

you there smoking

you there wandering

you there smashing it to pieces

me here-----sprinting

away, forever sprinting---

away, 

-love to you, all-

each and every one of you

/////we'll get through---

somehow

leaving without words (I have none)

sitting by the river

perhaps its time to reconsider

perhaps its time to reconfigure

to redeliver, 

an ending

I left again

without a word 

I left again
without a word
like a raging bird

trying to be caught
I sought
freedom, from human people

and that silly baroness

who I couldn't care less

about, and those 

hundred photos 

that meant nothing

nah I didn't give a shit

about any of it

even though

it was what 

I wanted my life to be about

where am I again?

deans yard

sitting on some -----------------

glorious ancient wall 

in st deans yard

like a bum; I was caught off guard

--------------------------I was off duty

I was overcome

by London's dis-beauty

//////a murky dawn

a feeling of forlorn

all around 

all around

the trumpets sound

and the school boys talk about history

as the motorcyclist 

lies on a stretcher

while the paramedics and police 

scrape metal off the floor

we all saw
it, ------a mortal
---------------fall through

a portal
------------gone------

where i go

everywhere I go

I meet people that I know

that know people that I know

that know

people that I know

s'why I gotta go 

some place far where 

don't nobody know
the people that I know
that know people that I know
that know people that I know
listen, I ain't like you

I don't want no success

I don't want no stress

I just wanna be

alone

and free

I just wanna breathe

-easy-

all creatures vets

//////mental one

she hugged a letterbox

before chasing a crazed fox

down mysore street

past two shops

one a barbers

one a hair salon

inside two human people, 

were filing one long talon

and mirroring acts 

of grooming

she stopped 

when she got

to all creatures vets

they don't treat just pets

but all wild wild animals

will they treat me?

she wondered

                             -before stepping inside

////you have reached your destination////

bill and terry's contraption

bill and terry

every night

they arrive by ferry

and in moonlight

they create like

these mad contraptions

on the shore of the thames
 yeah they spend

time creating 

strange contraptions

that transport them

to worlds unknown-----

worlds that know

nothing of
          ---------time

k-pop at twilight

dancing to k-pop

in the empty park after dark

beneath the estates 

soufside, king georges, 

 the star forges

a friendship with the moon

the lake glistens

and the swans swoon

as we dance to kpop

after dark in the park

ah girl, we're still stark

mad (I've missed you)

ghost comrades

reunion magic

each with less baggage 

than this time last year

still growing together

though sometimes I fear

---you'll just disappear

-ghost comrades-

                         we're
                            one and same

orissa

the lights in orissa

will they burn bright

or will they flicker

---and die
                                into darkness

no reception

connected again

yeah, I'm on call to be there

though really I'd like to go somewhere

where there's no reception

forever----

                                unreceptive

bauble rain

beneath an alien 

christmas tree

she made a promise

to never leave

                      and so

         the baubles came down

like rain

a roadside conversation (in darkness)

the most interesting 

roadside conversation

I've shared in forever

though I must admit, after it, 

I was left wishing you never

called out my name

and said those things to me

cos as we parted ways

my soul felt so heavy

yeah maybe I wasn't ready

for you to speak truth

for you to see me this way

for me to see you that way

after so many years

years, so many tears (as in rips) 

so many years, 

often tear---------

 some apart

and bring others together

I really wish I never

heard you

say my name

maybe then I could remain

---------------absent-minded

                             & free

darkness everywhere

our conversations ended

as the winter nights descended

and darkness became 

                 widespread

& just like that//// it was over--

not a coconut/ just a regular one

not a coconut

just a regular one

a regular nut

yeah I like to birdwatch

from any makeshift hut

in any random and remote place

yeah one of my favourite songs

is full of grace

not a coconut

just a regular one

but I do like to hum

old tunes from the fifties

I like to read up on

ideas from the sixties

I like to hike in the countryside

beside the opens seas

beneath the open skies

does that make me a coconut?

yeah I like looking at colourful art

at the tate

but does that make

me a coconut?

yeah I like a good roast

and jam on toast

but does that make me a coconut?

yeah i like to say good afternoon

to those I wish to have

a good afternoon

but does that make me a coconut

I like to recite hamlet

and read poems by keats and blake

I wonder, does that make

me a coconut? 

yeah I like drinking tea

and eating cake

does that make

me a coconut

yeah they say

I don't know who I am

but I know exactly who I am

and listen I never gave a damn

about labels 

or what you's lot thought

cos well life has taught 

me to just do me

to just be whoever i wanna be

and I don't care what that is

naaah not a coconut

-just a regular one-

friends at the lse

somehow they came together

at the LSE

i mean where else

would they possibly meet

in this big big world

the two 

a friendship somehow I knew

ran deeper than deep

and so I tried to keep

out of the picture

I tried to look and learn

from the two////

a novelist guy

a gangster who didn't shy

away from hard work

away from his rough life

they crossed paths 

and remained at the junction

as they tried to figure out

just how to function

differently

G learned from the streets

writer from his books

it was there

at the junction that they shook 

hands and shared

it was there 

at the junction they took

new ways, new ideas

new things to say

we might hear this story

again some day

some place

                              -----else

inspiration station

stop off

at the inspiration station

and be patient

as you browse

for some kind of something

pious

I wish I was more pious 

like you

I wish I was more pious

like you

I wish somehow I knew

how to be more pious

like you

geographically

man, I'm buzzing 

always

but listen

this kind of lifestyle

comes at a cost

and I paid the price

to a degree I'll always remain lost

geographically 

                                  & otherwise

not here

we made it

no,

you made it

i faded

into the background

I'm barely here

long over due

a poem, long over due

girl if only you knew

just how much 

I've wanted to write something for you

but nothing 

no nothing

could convey

just what I wanted to say

yeah we crossed paths

at a time when we were both half

mental, lost but fully free

girl you and me

where do I begin

with our story

yeah it's been stormy 

in parts

but AG

the lessons you taught me

I could never have learned anywhere else

from anyone else

your determination, 

your enduring positivity, your smile

your kind smile

made it worthwhile

////////life

yeah you were there for me

when no one else was

and I never repaid you for that 

for never giving up on me

and I remember still

I remember

every adventure

yeah we've shared so many

we've shared so much

and words will never be enough

I just pray this is the year

all your dreams come true

they're already starting to

and knowing this 

makes me so happy

knowing this 

makes me so happy

AG you won't ever know

just how

special you are

you just knew

on a too cold

winters night

smoking a pipe

trying to erase

trying to wipe

away all thoughts

and memories
trying to refract
all negative energies

trying to exhale

yet //another// fail

-just let go-

just let it out,
colourful smoke
and a long sad happy laugh

yeah I'm sorry I missed it

but I didn't want to be

in a crowd

I didn't want to have to listen

to loud

talk, 

small talk
I didn't want to be around
happy people

after a long and depressing day

at another job

that I'm about to leave

                                               //////////////////leave it out

listen. just understand

I ain't against you
I respect what you're trying to do
even if you think otherwise
I just didn't want them
to witness my demise
-un-hidable-
I would have let it show

detachment, entrapment

----------------disillusionment

and so//////

I just spent time with a soul and a pipe

I just tried to wipe

stuff out

-----(with my only love)

 another girl, soon to be gone

how did we come together again

how did you know?

a hundred thousand papers

such few words

such few words

I flick through 

so many words

so many words

          so many                 papers

----to be surrounded by piles
of tiny dots of paper

man I hate the
man I hate the

stacks of stupid paper
and the tiny dots too---

from a hundred thousand applicants

from all around the world

from all around the world
if only you
could break free
and maybe
stop applying
and apply yourself
to something real
like the art of alchemy
a voyage to outer-space
for this-----
is such a waste
of paper
of words
for a piece of paper
for a short excerpt
-------------------what a waste
///////////////////////////of time
the very thing that life is made of
-being here-

and there in the noon

in the sun

at lincoln inn fields

I was trying not to yield 

to the voices saying

don't go back

-------------------you don't

have to

you don't have to!

thinking on buses

so (as ever) I walked

I walked

in the night

in the night the city 

it looked so pretty

it was such a pity

you weren't there

and I was so far out

how did I get here?!

I wanted to shout

at the top of my lungs

and I wanted to ask you

how it went today

but I can't 

I wanted to ask you

why you're always so far away

but I can't

and so I'll just keep riding buses 

and I'll just keep looking to neon lights

and I'll just keep 

feeling this lost inside

-thinking of you-

we are nowhere and it's now

the trippy moments 

that made up today

the trippy moments 

I got so much to say

about the trippy moments

that made up today

the ghetto greek guy

from ladbroke grove
the postboy of LSE

would you believe that he showed
me the ropes and that I was

the post boys post boy

yeah jokes

                but not so                  funny

but kind of hilarious
-yeah right on the money-
(but I fell short)
no matter we laughed
as we lugged
around two cardboard boxes

with cups of tea and sarnies, 

life is barmy
proper. and sometimes I wonder

whether I'm just tryna be funny

or kitsch

or ironic
----------------am I looking for something to pitch
a story (for life is far stranger than fiction)
and I've always first and foremost been the writer

no matter, listen I'm on it,
i'm on dis ting----------
i'ma bring
------------------something to the table

the trippy moments that made up today

she flit past me in a blur, I was like hey!
and then she stopped twice

and turned around, that old friend
a professor who once managed to mend
that part of me and so she said 

we need to catch up

but I was too caught up

thinking of you
of ten thousand Zhang Chou's 

ten thousand applications

for ten thousand pointless masters

lately I've mastered

the art of disengagement

somehow I'll break 'em,
----------------the shackles!
these iron rings of me(n)tal,

and then and then and then

I nicked a green apple

as inside I grappled
-----with this thing called life
and so I went outside and waited at a bus stop
but the bus didn't stop
and I left my belongings inside
/////no where to hide, no where to abide//////
in peace
-don't disappear,
d'you hear?-
                               don't disappear
and so night came
and I walked to SOAS

but then I got lost in the dark

I got lost in the dark

ended up in some park

and so a friendly young lady took me
in another direction,
                                      like I took that Nigerian lady named Grace
yesterday in Greenwich
to another university
to the place she needed to be
-we give, life gives,
and so I travelled with her                                            
because I was somewhere else

and we talked a bit

and then and then and then
when I got there

I forgot the combination of the prayer room

but then but then but then
another kind young lady came

and we talked

and talked 

and then I went down

and saw her

the trippy moments that made up a day

we didn't stay

long, no

we escaped, we traipsed
-----as we do
by the festive christmas stalls,
and our friend the river

and it was magical

and the tedium and weighty sadness
--------------------and enduring madness
left me and us, and everyone.....

......and then I got a missed call

on a broken phone

that's wasn't even mine
it wasn't mine, 

the burning tea scolded my hand--

                          I'm doing just fine
and the river watched unconvinced
and after words behind glass,
after a bus ride that didn't last

and the flute and saxaphone that played
a souls melody and the man's head
spun around his neck,
a barking dog, a stick of liquorice

in peace and after we talked

until there was nothing

left to say
after all that

------------we crossed the bridge

(we are nowhere-----and it's now)

looking for another way

time to discover 

new ways to recover

all that was lost

cos well insofar

 everything I've tried has cost

me everything

and got me nowhere

and sure I can go 

ten thousand years without a phone

I can avoid ever going home

but alone, one can't atone

for wrongdoings, 

and so sure

I can forever/// disappear

but by doing so I won't ever near

-perfectitude/ healing-

so I think I better start dealing

with life a little differently

I should stop

running away

cutting out

painting over

and going it alone

and begin by

just beginning--------

cos well 

they're not going anywhere, 

and 

                               they're never giving up 

(on me)

and so I shouldn't
                        give up on myself/

like we used to

dear mrs v 

how come when I thought of you, 

you thought of me

the law of attraction

 old friend 

life is but a distraction

 I'll come back to you, I will

one day and we'll just 

                                               wander

like we used to

awe in constancy

always in motion

I got this notion

that to move

is to be moving 

with time

I'm losing my mind

I'm losing my mind

all the time

all the time

I try to experience the sublime

by remaining in constant awe

of everything

even the ordinary things

like a deck chairs

like a flight of stairs

and a lone cup of tea

in a shed at night

storm outside

hmm so now, 

weighing up 

the (non)options before me

                          --------------to be free

                                to be free

                 to just be

hmmm should I go back 

to cutting down trees

with my friends the 

lumberjacks

no I can't go back

no I can't go back

should I go to the dino shop

resume conversation

with the dead birds and the dead rocks

no I can't go back, I broke the locks

(for a reason)

hmm should I start peddling drugs again

no please don't send

any prescriptions my way

no, I can't go back

no, I can't go back

instead, I'd like to just slack

off----------------------------maybe retire from life

retire from life

               I'd like to retire from life                                      

should I just do 

nothing

sweet nothing

cos really, I'm tired of doing stuff

of seeing folks,

and acting tough

when really

I'm good, I'm gone 

materialist

theorize

vague ideas 

they materialize

some how

you just have to be there

you just have to stare

at it long enough

for it to become real

between sublime and surreal

the sublime moments 

that make up a day

the sublime moments

I got so much to say

but no words

the sublime moments 

that make up a day

let me try to say

the sublime words 

that made up a day:

 the mouse 

exploring the silver city

-----dirty and gritty 

 the crumpled foil

------wagging its tiny tail, 

trying not to spoil

an appetite ////////////(for disaster)

a moment

four ladies from Sri Lanka

laughing in unison on the northern line

hysteric, foreign, some kind of sublime 

a moment

being with my friend

on the sand; on the shore

made up of ten thousand pores

of glass, in the sublime light

a cloud of it, in the night 

above st pauls

her bags, I go bag-less

but with much baggage

you can have it

all, 

the sublime moments 

that make up a day

the pigeon that flew away

across the heavy orange and green sky

next to a a building, (not real but oh so) high

the dots on a topi

her foot next to mine in prayer

the waves, coloured in christmas lights

the beggar on the street

his touch, our eyes did meet

both sunken

sublime, 

his fingers touched mine

as I imparted silver

raggedy blanket

rain mixed with gleeful sorrow

the sublime moments

that make up a day

ten million to make up a life

girl what do you say?

come away with me 

the time is now

vera lynn and autumn leaves

there////

listening to vera lynn

-we'll meet again-

(don't know where, don't know when)

back then

with professor J and the crows

time slowed

down, it's speeding now

on remembrance day

while traversing space

----unknown

like the island

in the middle of the 

dried up lake

on an autumns day

the sun shines for the sake

of all thirsty souls

absorb gold rays

you are home now----

still around

she's getting married

my best mate

the girl who carried

me through

girl, I'm so happy for you 

but I ain't gonna lie

I'm proper sad too

--------changes

I'm not ready to lose you

(not yet)

thanks, for noticing

scatterbrain 

you missed you train

you missed your stop

you missed a lot

-of things-

thanks for noticing

pot noodle and raggedy clothes

pot noodle

hollow hellos

bumming around

stains on my clothes

sitting in the basement

for I can't waste them

the days

and so even when the malaise

makes it hard

I become harder

and just go---

-never at home-

///////cos I got this feeling

that I can't start healing

until I fall through---

fam, I love you

for trying to

///get me

another end of the world

mother

edging precariously 

on the surface of the sea

the mud flats 

the broomway

half liquid half solid

----------bottled it

I felt like complete shit

in that dream I was having

or was it I nightmare

either way, when I woke up I didn't care

if is seemed real, still

though it did, kill

 some hopes of a restfulsleep

for I entered, the end of

the world, 

and watched from a high place

the dark grey ocean rise and fall

waves lashing high and tall

and ethereal lights all around

a storm, ink waves

white sprays

and I stood there with my camera

desperately trying to take a picture 

but my it wasn't working

and my sisters were shouting 

come on, just come on

so I dismantled my camera

and water poured out of it

and seaweed started to grow around it

and so I screamed

and then I followed mother

as she edged towards the stage

on the surface of the sea

wholly preciously

for it was on the stage

my sister was to be married

///and then my teeth wobbled

and fell out 

and I awoke

(w)hole

wandering around at night

by tower bridge

the world is a fridge

so cold, so dark

but beautiful

---------embark

and you will see;

true beauty

true beauty

at night, the festive lights

shimmer like bright diamonds

emeralds, I try to find them

all around, by the river

broken bits of a star

that fell from outer space

broken bits of a heart

that no longer remains

------------whole

the road is life

left 

srdf 

so free

yet so sad

you'd think
it would get easier by now
walking away
for I've walked-------
                      ten thousands times to date
                                                                  ...but nah, I am
at peace, and so free
yet so sad
to leave

yet again-
goodbye                  
 ---- strangers I've come to know

/no matter, the road is life-

what its like one day

-crossing the bridge-
learning to /live/
in this dunya; my way,
on a rainy grey
-----////eve

watching the smog 

listening to the sky breathe

yeah I wear my heart on my sleeve

but not for you

just for me
just to see
what its like (one day)

someone like you (but not you)

you got married

and you took here there

your wife

yeah I was just looking in
feeling almost contented within
knowing------
--------knowing
that you weren't him
that she wasn't me
I'm so glad that she wasn't me

isn't life so completely funny

thank the Lord she wasn't me

thank the Lord I'm still free

but I pray you're both happy

I am, for I dodged another bullet

and I'm living life to the fullest

 I know, I still got

a long long long way to go

but if I didn't
what would there be to look forward to
                                                           //////the journey---

bitter sweet

and then it came to me

nothing, I dreamed about you

in my dream, you pushed me away

i miss you, I got some stuff i wanna say

but my phone is non-existant

and you don't have internet

and somehow we've let

ourselves drift ///// away
from everyone in the world 

including each other 

and I'm left wondering whether
you feel as alone as I do right now?

maybe this is what life is supposed to be
wholly bittersweet///// I better keep

my unspoken words

to myself

elusive----as ever

often in life

you don't get what you want

and when you do

you realise all too soon

that what you want

 wasn't actually what you wanted

at all----

                         paradox of life