alchemy of parenthood

the alchemy of parenthood

it's not something
I ever thought I would

come to understand

the alchemy of parenthood

they tried so hard 

to be so good

they tried so much harder 

than they ever should

to raise us

giving up all they had,

to make us, happy,
and it's just so sad

that not a single one

repaid the whole or part of the sum

of what they had given us

parenthood

if only we could 

-be so much better than we are-

deep and heavy -ish (comrades)

camaraderie

it's as hard for me 

as it is you

you offered me a seat

when I was almost through

with sitting

and standing and lying too

but I wanted to listen you, 

but you kind of went on 

and on and on

in a strange incoherent slew

yes and I caught bits of it

like when you said

....life is a paradox 

I've tried everything to untangle 

these knots

in my mind..... 

like when you said 

....I feel like I'll be screwed over

for the things I didn't even do

how can I be judged, 

when I don't know if I'm even true

if I even exist....

-detachment, on a next level-

like when you said

......I prayed to not feel 

and then my prayers were answered

now I wish they went unheard

like the others.....

-unfeeling-

.....but could I take it back 

for I want to feel once more....

and so I replied

after quite some time

<girl, it's a slippery slope

I hope

you don't slip, cos if you did

that would be the end of it 

-everything-

and we may be couped 

now, but we ain't a couple of chickens

our skin, it thickens, 

by the day

so just wait, just wait, just wait

I too am waiting.> 

(deep -ish)

bulldog

I caught a bulldog fly 

across the cotton wool sky

it's giant padded paw prints 

left a trail; a kind of cosmic braille

for the blind, 

(not visually blind, but those who find

nothingness; those unable to read the signs)

imprinted braille above

you cannot fail to love

-the air that holds us in place-

bulldog don't waste 

your paw prints on us human people

(we're not worth it)

faithless lady

she said I believe

but I don't have any faith

she said listen, what can I say

It's been too hard living
I been through too much shit

you know when I was young I lost a kid,
I lost my boy

and his death destroyed

our marriage, a miscarriage

of unearthly justice

and the fortune teller told me

he would be perfectly healthy

yeah he lied and I tried 

to understand it, but I couldn't

and what followed

left me as hollow
as a nut shell

the hell, of the divorce

I was divorced from my faith

yeah I had to be brave

I had to do it all on my own

and that's when I told her, you know

we human people 

we're so fickle 

with every new pickle

however bitter, however sour
slowly, some how

we lose touch with the greater power
with life itself
and it will pass and it doesn't mean

that you mean nothing

it's just well

-kind of hard to explain-

coastal hymns

that one autumns day 

I'll never forget it

the morning star outside my window

beamed, as I awoke to say my fajr prayers, 

there in that mash-up hostel

I was an apostle  

and at the crack to dawn 

I set out on my long sojourn, 

I made for the valley as the sun rose

higher and higher

the entire

world was still

save me, a dot moving across a great landscape

and I knew that fate, Qadar 

had brought me there

-after everything-

and as I crossed the hills 

on that quiet monday morning

while the whole of earth was ignoring

(everything) with only the sheep 

and horses for company

I knew the meaning of it 

-life-

and so I followed the river to the sea 

the cliffs were so wild and empty

and I climbed and I climbed 

I sung hymns on the way

and recited the Quran

Surat an Naba, I prayed

and the birds flit around me, 

listening, keeping me company

and as I finally reached the city 

miles and miles in

a heaviness pressed against my heart

the concrete jungle looked sort of grim

and so I sat by the beach and prayed again

rucksack at my feet 

and a cup of tea by my side to warm my bones

nah, I didn't ever want to go home

yeah I wanted to forever be alone

yeah, since that sacred day and before it too

I've made many a lone sojourn

but none have made me feel so true

as that river, that valley and that sea

to be/ -at peace, like no other-

yellow peril/ ancient orient

It was all him 

him and his ancient chinese rage

it was all him, no

it's the regime that's really to blame

for oppressing, for suppressing

for creating 

chinky-eyed monsters

mere robots without feelings

layers of normalcy; are gradually peeling

off and revealing, who they really are

-yellow peril-

for it would never be us

who do something so ill, so foreign, by will, 

twisted chinky people, they're still 

stuck in their bad bad ways

-orientalism: that never dies-

for of course we are by far more wise

than the Chinese they say 

for what rational and sane human being 

would ever do that and in that callous way

to throw a child out of a pram 

he couldn't have been mad, no he was

just evil, the product of an evil 

kingdom, yellow peril they say

yellow peril, and their wayward ways

(orientalism that never dies)

multiplied/ lies upon lies upon lies

so frightened of their own demise

yellow peril/ yellow peril/ yellow peril

horse says neigh!

she rocked up 

at a macdonalds drive through

on her high horse

yeah she spoke into
the intercom, but on the other side

he wasn't having it
the anonymous voice said in a fit
of amused rage,
lady quit horsin' around
ain't no horses allowed in the drive through

miffed, she took him inside 

and the horsie did a poo 

right there in the middle of Maccy D's
somebody call da police!
the crowds shouted,
poor horsie had been out-ed
and them crowds, they was sorely offended

nah the horse never quite blended
in MacDonalds
neeeeeeigggggghhhhhhhhhhh! indeed

some friendly advice

she said Sy

your not the type 

to be kept in a box

you're a high flyer 

and you've got lots 

going for you 

and we may not be

where we need to be

right now, but it's a start 

and you'll see

Sy your truly 

an inspiration

you take chances

and I wish I could do the same.

geologist

bruv, you gone' be
a somali geologist?

bruv, you know
dat was like
ma one and only wish

bruv, all dat (hard) work, 

it amounted to -ish

to be a geologist

yeah I took dat risk 

and failed

upside down gravity

a bit of rainbow

in the sky 

oh, please don't go away

oh, please don't die

a bit of rainbow in the sky

I spy my little eye...

...something beginning with

a cosmic galaxy

mirror walls that defy

-astronomical calculations-

never-evending constellations

I spy, shiny silver walls

that reflect the gravity that falls

the wrong way

ten-fold

patience

it's wearing thin

I wish I could shed 

this sickly sickly skin

i wish I could remove

this cut out heart made of tin

and place therein

light upon light upon light

and the highlands beckons 

the outback too

flashback friday

my, it's strange how you 

both got in touch on that same day, 

and I'm still there now

January the first, but my thirst 

-has increased ten-fold-

to turn dust to gold

the alchemy of life/ still goes untold

office

office 

toss it

in the bin 

fold it up

and put it in

a black hole

put it away

and  

go pray

for something better

fading hours

That night 

yeah you're right 

it was more than surreal 

-everything- 

those golden fading hours

we spent staring at the sky 

I was dreading, so dreading
our impending goodbye
I remember a plane passed by
yeah a plane
and I was thinking
you'll be on that in a day

and I'll still be here, lying on the grass
looking up at you

-gone-
that evening
staring at the sky

talking talking talking 

about God, about life

about everything
about the signs 

and the future, the future, the future

it was more than surreal

Shepherds Bush mosque

watching the clock 

the seconds tick tick tick
waiting till I could drink 

the holy water and the date

and you went and saved
me a seat and then I came after you 

and he came before me

the best thing that never happened

and he happened to be

pretty suave and I could see

what you saw in him then 

and it wasn't a goodbye

Shepherd Bush that night

it was more of a so long

I was left feeling as empty as a drum

with that final hug
with those so so familiar words
of meeting in the next world 

if either of us don't make it in this one

like the way we broke apart
srdf, what then-
man, it's been a hell of a journey
and I sort of don't want it to end
girl, what can I say,
that you don't already know
-see you again, yeah-
(not a goodbye)

river pinn wander

that, post-work hike 

a wander, not quite 

urban, the river pinn

the celandine route

the hillingdon trail

for parts of it we stayed mute

watching that rare bird

flit across the the glittering water

bathing it's little birdy feet

gosh I thought I ought-a 

take a photo

draw a picture

for it was such a picture

-beautiful, every inch of it- 

but I had no camera, no pencil, no phone

but none of that mattered
and I didn't want to go home

-so we dallied-/ -so we dallied-

by the ragweed, we carried, 

ourselves through it, the gold, 

I sort of, kind of, wished I could hold

onto that fleeting evening gold

the bees bathed in it, the ethereal beams

recycled it seems,  

and so we sat by the edge of the bank 

talking, she and I 

in life I've learnt how to get by 

by being versatile, by being free

no plans, we 

just set off

through the village 

by the river pinn

butterflies all around

wild, empty, so far from prim

the creek, tales of running 

of trying to seek 

out some kind of something

and the wildflowers

and the horses

and that donkey with flies

around its eyes, 

he blinks so sweet

oh and the reeds, the grasses, 

kind of takes me back 

to walthamstow marshes

watching the sky change

the sky, if only I could stare at it

as much as I stare at that office screen

sometimes I just want to scream

'this isn't me! 

this isn't where I'm supposed to be!'

get out of the office 

Sy, cut your losses and lose yourself 

in the beauty of the real

by the colours of the sky

nature heals, 

and she understands why

so we kind of walked for miles 

yeah we walked

two half-strangers and we talked

one comes, one leaves, one comes, one leaves

the open spaces/ the falling leaves

the running water 

what it means to be free

and I remember that song

about that sad man who has born by the river

in that little old tent 

and just like that river 

he be running ever since

oh the sunset sky/ and the never-ending horizon 

-prize them/ both-

for the world doesn't get old, or dull 

we do, this much I know is true

and the glittering gold 

on the hottest day of the year

after a bus and a farewell

I somehow ended up here, in Uxbridge 

-to embark now, on the long journey south-

plans made

and suddenly 

I want to cancel 

all the plans I made

as those old dying people wait 

for it to pass, I lie on grass 

and also wait

tropical storm

a tropical storm

brewed over the republic of tooting

-uprooting, any notion of sleep-

eluding, any dry form that might keep

itself to itself 

for all of a sudden fat monsoon rain

fell from the midnight sky

so I went outside 

in the garden and they were there already

in the lightning flashes I saw them 

over joyed

soaking in the rain

I felt like I was nine years old again

in Lahore, watching it pour

watching them laugh

so I closed the door 

and joined them

ramadan blues

ramadan blues

too much time to think

and so I think about you

I think about them serious charges,

in a past life, he barges 

right through

as I sit and think about you

same shit, yeah nothing new

and while he's living the dream in cairo

you're living the nightmare in philly

and while he's on the other side of the planet

he's in a field jamming to tunes at latitude

this collective attitude, of apathy

it's kind of killing me

inside, yeah ramadan blues

trying to get through

the days, these hot and empty days

Ya Allah, why are they so empty, 

see we got plenty woes, 

that just won't go

away and she's a million miles away 

yeah she's slipping

and I've got to be strong 

forever, for all 

when all I want really

is to give up, to go away, to find heaven

to find some peace, to be at ease

to be well, Ya Allah please tell

me how to live

-in all darkness-

home, you get there

distorted time

sorted through a ryhme 

that configured a day
back then,
I figured I'd just say

what came to me,
and this is it-
the gold light 

on ealing common
we were both feeling
a little solemn

at the prospect
at the end of an era
nothing then
could be un-clearer
hmm distorted time
the night and day
no longer two separate entities
no, they become the same

sixteen hours away from home
sixteen hours in another zone
eighteen without food or water
to keep me going  

I remember the lamb to the slaughter
Abraham's son, no, the lamb
and I too, am,
it and I thought of the dead bird,
pieces of flesh and feather

that found each other and came together
came to life and flew towards you
speaking in it's own language,
yes to this day, I remember

the ark, and the split sea,
and the ark 

and i came to realise that we 

are so much tougher than we believe 

we just keep
going and somehow 

despite all odds 

we get home
(if home is where we're supposed to be)
-Qadr-

another friend lost

G

remind me, 

why are we, 

no longer talking? 

yeah 

you know

life

its too short

too tragic and

too transient 

too rapid

for us to be absent 

and I don't know why

I feel like I'm 

to blame

for our estrangement

yeah, it's pretty lame

-this whole not talking-

yeah I'm still stalking

you on twitter

a flitter

yeah just another flitter

I thought I'd stick a 

round this time

-I thought you would too-

bummer

buried in words

to be buried in words

God, I don't know what to do

to be buried in words

God, I wish I was next to You

I don't wanna be here

Lord, I don't wanna be here no more

the hours, the minutes, the seconds

they bore and they bore

holes, Lord so many holes,

so I buried myself 

in words that once consoled

those words Lord

they've grown terribly old

and so have I 

Lord, so have I

fat cow

tragic

yeah I heard 

dat some man in Brazil
in some place called Caratinga

was just lying in bed
one summers afternoon

minding his own business

when da ceiling broke

and a cow fell on him

that poor bloke,
he died, just like dat

and dat fat
cow just mooed

Silver Lining

hanger lane

the silver lining

its you, sam

it's being in your ends

it's getting to hang out with you friend

after work,
 so nice, to hang in hanger lane,

yeah, to this day we both remain

-true sisters-

sharing rhymes, 

a true poet (you)

inspired me, to become someone new 

and in hanger lane, 

we find ourselves again

talking about old times

and new to come, 

travelling the world

we planned it in that greasy spoon cafe

one winters evening after maghrib

or was it after football

back with F, 

yeah three muskateers

yeah we had such few fears

back then 

and even back in Richmond

yeah sam, you and I 

we go way back 

and inshAllah 

we'll go way forward too

inshAllah our plans become true

of setting up our charities

of making life work 

of sticking to the path 

the path we both embarked

on all those years ago

Sam, let's stick to the plan

let's do dis ting!

fashion girl

london

it's too small a place

and too many people I used to know

keep coming up again, like 

fashion girl, 

fashion girl I don't want to face.....

(yester-year)

...man, I need to go somewhere
new, I been saying this for years

but seriously I'm through

with london 

yeah I'm done with this 

too small place

perception

all this time

I thought all this time

had been

more terrible than terrible

but when I find myself struggling

I find myself doing, just as much

the last six months have been harder 

than bricks, but in them I've 

transfixed

on changing for the better

-everything-

In the last half year

I've received and achieved

so much more, than I may have otherwise

propelled by purpose and pain

the train, of life chugs forth

and I always come to realise 

that I am so much more

than I give myself credit for 

and well, I still believe that hell 

can teach us the things heaven 

can't even understand

well, I know it all comes from above

if it didn't I'd still be in last year

wallowing in self-pity

remaining just as still 

or even stiller, in a city

I don't even know

-peceptions, ever-evolving-

A bus driver named Roland

Roland

Jamaican bro, you know,
you got such swagger
such a shining personality
 and gradually, it shone through
yeah Roland, you are, by far
da safest bus driver I ever met
how we met
it's kind of funny,
you shut off da engine of da bus
one night, in da city of London
 and I got on board
and you said I can stay on, if I talk to you
and so I did, Roland we talked about life
-who knew-
yours, a bus driver since the age of 18
that's 14 years, cos now you be thirty two
you said you wish you never blew
your shot and became a drop out engineer
but life, it gets in the way
yeah we shared bare jokes
and you asked my opinion
on all sorts of things
and it was kind of funny
just you and I chatting on the darkened bus,
that night, it was kind of like
we were the only people left in the world
I told you about the juice bar in Trinidad
or Costa Rica and you said you liked the idea
and I said I swear,
you should just copy me
and actually make it real
Roland you told me then
you were feeling kind of blue that day
yeah it made you vex
when your girl said
-you da man, you pay-
there we were talking, on the 188
and then the bus moved forward
and the people at the stop moved to get on
but you didn't open the doors,
in the dark, we just kept on talking.
you said you see a lot of faces
all of them are dark,
you said they never said hello,
they just mutter or bark,
nah, they never say hello
but out of all the bus drivers, you gave it a go
hello/ hello/ hello
-nothingness-
and so when the lights finally went on
and the people of the night boarded
I went upstairs, happy to have got the bus
and when I came down again, you said

I was the nicest person you ever met

I replied same here
and listen, don't get me wrong
I ain't naive yeah
I just know a special person when I meet one

and Roland, you was da sum
of special
and if we kept talking, I knew we would become
pretty good mates
you said
we'll catch up if you see me again

be good, be safe, no- I know you will 

you said, I don't know what to say
two strangers, about to part ways

a hesitance, a reluctant,
departure at elephant

when it came to saying goodbye

and man Roland, i know it too well

see its the people I meet

out on the streets 

its them who teach 

me everything i need to know

and roland bro
I already kind of miss you
-safe bus driver-

wax sax man

-is his heart still beating?- 

he's always there, 

on that same bench sleeping

I wonder what's keeping

him from opening his eyes? 

maybe he's not human

he sort of looks like 

he's made of wax

beside him, his old suitcase

on his lap, his rusty sax

sometimes I want to poke him

to find out the truth

is he a living human? 

-or simply uncouth-

but poking a wax sax sleeping dummy

is a pretty dumb-y 

thing to do, he might open his eyes

and yelp something weird like Boo!

and scared I'd go running, 

and amused, he'd think it's funny

and maybe just laugh

I'd be glad then, that he can

laugh that is, 

maybe he is, some kind of

modern Boo Radly,

sadly, I think it will remain

one of life's mysteries

-never to know/ if wax man will show-

his true nature

breezy abaya

a breezy

easy

thing to wear

with 

abaya

there's no need

to question your attire

whether its trampy or tarty

silly or narky

you're just you 

you're just who

you should be 

for what you are 

is not what you wear

or what wears you

it's the person 

inside

the blackness of the abaya

it doesn't hide

the real self

it just hides everything

the real self hides behind 

(insubstantial)

-d'you get me?-

outreach

mate

relax it ain't a date

it's more like out reach 

I'ma help you reach out

but first we gonna go out

and you gonna shout

at the world, 

you gonna go mad

proper, it'll make you feel glad

then you gonna make 

that jump, yeah you gonna let go

you gonna show

dem demons dey got nuttink on you

dey ain't go nuttink

make dat jump and prove

you stronger then dat

ugandan coppers

did I ever tell you 

my brother, he lived in uganda 

for a time, yeah he got some dough

from the bill gates foundation

and gone done bought some mosquito nets

yeah I found some coins,

ugandan coins, in ma room the other day

them coins he gave

me as a gift. yeah I wish 

I had thanked him then 

for them 

ugandan coppers

back then, out of the blue

them Ugandan coppers

they called you

-who knew, what went down-

yeah my brother, he's kind of like Jason Borne

he was born 

out of this world, 

and his life, is a complete mystery

even now

 more so now than ever

-I pray for you everyday-

30 days

illusive 

muslim 

don't be proud

it comes from God

(don't be loud)

don't be vocal, keep those local 

voices inside

for thirty days we've tried

fasting

working

scarce sleep 

nights for worship

gold evenings for friendship 

family, sharing and caring

yeah caring, about reality

about getting real 

and trying to fall in love again

with You

trying to seek truth

when the heavens are brought 

close, so am I

-a beautiful thing, to be Muslim-
(who with knowledge, can deny)