ghost comrades

reunion magic

each with less baggage 

than this time last year

still growing together

though sometimes I fear

---you'll just disappear

-ghost comrades-

                         we're
                            one and same

orissa

the lights in orissa

will they burn bright

or will they flicker

---and die
                                into darkness

no reception

connected again

yeah, I'm on call to be there

though really I'd like to go somewhere

where there's no reception

forever----

                                unreceptive

bauble rain

beneath an alien 

christmas tree

she made a promise

to never leave

                      and so

         the baubles came down

like rain

a roadside conversation (in darkness)

the most interesting 

roadside conversation

I've shared in forever

though I must admit, after it, 

I was left wishing you never

called out my name

and said those things to me

cos as we parted ways

my soul felt so heavy

yeah maybe I wasn't ready

for you to speak truth

for you to see me this way

for me to see you that way

after so many years

years, so many tears (as in rips) 

so many years, 

often tear---------

 some apart

and bring others together

I really wish I never

heard you

say my name

maybe then I could remain

---------------absent-minded

                             & free

darkness everywhere

our conversations ended

as the winter nights descended

and darkness became 

                 widespread

& just like that//// it was over--

not a coconut/ just a regular one

not a coconut

just a regular one

a regular nut

yeah I like to birdwatch

from any makeshift hut

in any random and remote place

yeah one of my favourite songs

is full of grace

not a coconut

just a regular one

but I do like to hum

old tunes from the fifties

I like to read up on

ideas from the sixties

I like to hike in the countryside

beside the opens seas

beneath the open skies

does that make me a coconut?

yeah I like looking at colourful art

at the tate

but does that make

me a coconut?

yeah I like a good roast

and jam on toast

but does that make me a coconut?

yeah i like to say good afternoon

to those I wish to have

a good afternoon

but does that make me a coconut

I like to recite hamlet

and read poems by keats and blake

I wonder, does that make

me a coconut? 

yeah I like drinking tea

and eating cake

does that make

me a coconut

yeah they say

I don't know who I am

but I know exactly who I am

and listen I never gave a damn

about labels 

or what you's lot thought

cos well life has taught 

me to just do me

to just be whoever i wanna be

and I don't care what that is

naaah not a coconut

-just a regular one-

friends at the lse

somehow they came together

at the LSE

i mean where else

would they possibly meet

in this big big world

the two 

a friendship somehow I knew

ran deeper than deep

and so I tried to keep

out of the picture

I tried to look and learn

from the two////

a novelist guy

a gangster who didn't shy

away from hard work

away from his rough life

they crossed paths 

and remained at the junction

as they tried to figure out

just how to function

differently

G learned from the streets

writer from his books

it was there

at the junction that they shook 

hands and shared

it was there 

at the junction they took

new ways, new ideas

new things to say

we might hear this story

again some day

some place

                              -----else

inspiration station

stop off

at the inspiration station

and be patient

as you browse

for some kind of something

pious

I wish I was more pious 

like you

I wish I was more pious

like you

I wish somehow I knew

how to be more pious

like you

geographically

man, I'm buzzing 

always

but listen

this kind of lifestyle

comes at a cost

and I paid the price

to a degree I'll always remain lost

geographically 

                                  & otherwise

not here

we made it

no,

you made it

i faded

into the background

I'm barely here

long over due

a poem, long over due

girl if only you knew

just how much 

I've wanted to write something for you

but nothing 

no nothing

could convey

just what I wanted to say

yeah we crossed paths

at a time when we were both half

mental, lost but fully free

girl you and me

where do I begin

with our story

yeah it's been stormy 

in parts

but AG

the lessons you taught me

I could never have learned anywhere else

from anyone else

your determination, 

your enduring positivity, your smile

your kind smile

made it worthwhile

////////life

yeah you were there for me

when no one else was

and I never repaid you for that 

for never giving up on me

and I remember still

I remember

every adventure

yeah we've shared so many

we've shared so much

and words will never be enough

I just pray this is the year

all your dreams come true

they're already starting to

and knowing this 

makes me so happy

knowing this 

makes me so happy

AG you won't ever know

just how

special you are

you just knew

on a too cold

winters night

smoking a pipe

trying to erase

trying to wipe

away all thoughts

and memories
trying to refract
all negative energies

trying to exhale

yet //another// fail

-just let go-

just let it out,
colourful smoke
and a long sad happy laugh

yeah I'm sorry I missed it

but I didn't want to be

in a crowd

I didn't want to have to listen

to loud

talk, 

small talk
I didn't want to be around
happy people

after a long and depressing day

at another job

that I'm about to leave

                                               //////////////////leave it out

listen. just understand

I ain't against you
I respect what you're trying to do
even if you think otherwise
I just didn't want them
to witness my demise
-un-hidable-
I would have let it show

detachment, entrapment

----------------disillusionment

and so//////

I just spent time with a soul and a pipe

I just tried to wipe

stuff out

-----(with my only love)

 another girl, soon to be gone

how did we come together again

how did you know?

a hundred thousand papers

such few words

such few words

I flick through 

so many words

so many words

          so many                 papers

----to be surrounded by piles
of tiny dots of paper

man I hate the
man I hate the

stacks of stupid paper
and the tiny dots too---

from a hundred thousand applicants

from all around the world

from all around the world
if only you
could break free
and maybe
stop applying
and apply yourself
to something real
like the art of alchemy
a voyage to outer-space
for this-----
is such a waste
of paper
of words
for a piece of paper
for a short excerpt
-------------------what a waste
///////////////////////////of time
the very thing that life is made of
-being here-

and there in the noon

in the sun

at lincoln inn fields

I was trying not to yield 

to the voices saying

don't go back

-------------------you don't

have to

you don't have to!

thinking on buses

so (as ever) I walked

I walked

in the night

in the night the city 

it looked so pretty

it was such a pity

you weren't there

and I was so far out

how did I get here?!

I wanted to shout

at the top of my lungs

and I wanted to ask you

how it went today

but I can't 

I wanted to ask you

why you're always so far away

but I can't

and so I'll just keep riding buses 

and I'll just keep looking to neon lights

and I'll just keep 

feeling this lost inside

-thinking of you-

we are nowhere and it's now

the trippy moments 

that made up today

the trippy moments 

I got so much to say

about the trippy moments

that made up today

the ghetto greek guy

from ladbroke grove
the postboy of LSE

would you believe that he showed
me the ropes and that I was

the post boys post boy

yeah jokes

                but not so                  funny

but kind of hilarious
-yeah right on the money-
(but I fell short)
no matter we laughed
as we lugged
around two cardboard boxes

with cups of tea and sarnies, 

life is barmy
proper. and sometimes I wonder

whether I'm just tryna be funny

or kitsch

or ironic
----------------am I looking for something to pitch
a story (for life is far stranger than fiction)
and I've always first and foremost been the writer

no matter, listen I'm on it,
i'm on dis ting----------
i'ma bring
------------------something to the table

the trippy moments that made up today

she flit past me in a blur, I was like hey!
and then she stopped twice

and turned around, that old friend
a professor who once managed to mend
that part of me and so she said 

we need to catch up

but I was too caught up

thinking of you
of ten thousand Zhang Chou's 

ten thousand applications

for ten thousand pointless masters

lately I've mastered

the art of disengagement

somehow I'll break 'em,
----------------the shackles!
these iron rings of me(n)tal,

and then and then and then

I nicked a green apple

as inside I grappled
-----with this thing called life
and so I went outside and waited at a bus stop
but the bus didn't stop
and I left my belongings inside
/////no where to hide, no where to abide//////
in peace
-don't disappear,
d'you hear?-
                               don't disappear
and so night came
and I walked to SOAS

but then I got lost in the dark

I got lost in the dark

ended up in some park

and so a friendly young lady took me
in another direction,
                                      like I took that Nigerian lady named Grace
yesterday in Greenwich
to another university
to the place she needed to be
-we give, life gives,
and so I travelled with her                                            
because I was somewhere else

and we talked a bit

and then and then and then
when I got there

I forgot the combination of the prayer room

but then but then but then
another kind young lady came

and we talked

and talked 

and then I went down

and saw her

the trippy moments that made up a day

we didn't stay

long, no

we escaped, we traipsed
-----as we do
by the festive christmas stalls,
and our friend the river

and it was magical

and the tedium and weighty sadness
--------------------and enduring madness
left me and us, and everyone.....

......and then I got a missed call

on a broken phone

that's wasn't even mine
it wasn't mine, 

the burning tea scolded my hand--

                          I'm doing just fine
and the river watched unconvinced
and after words behind glass,
after a bus ride that didn't last

and the flute and saxaphone that played
a souls melody and the man's head
spun around his neck,
a barking dog, a stick of liquorice

in peace and after we talked

until there was nothing

left to say
after all that

------------we crossed the bridge

(we are nowhere-----and it's now)

looking for another way

time to discover 

new ways to recover

all that was lost

cos well insofar

 everything I've tried has cost

me everything

and got me nowhere

and sure I can go 

ten thousand years without a phone

I can avoid ever going home

but alone, one can't atone

for wrongdoings, 

and so sure

I can forever/// disappear

but by doing so I won't ever near

-perfectitude/ healing-

so I think I better start dealing

with life a little differently

I should stop

running away

cutting out

painting over

and going it alone

and begin by

just beginning--------

cos well 

they're not going anywhere, 

and 

                               they're never giving up 

(on me)

and so I shouldn't
                        give up on myself/

like we used to

dear mrs v 

how come when I thought of you, 

you thought of me

the law of attraction

 old friend 

life is but a distraction

 I'll come back to you, I will

one day and we'll just 

                                               wander

like we used to

awe in constancy

always in motion

I got this notion

that to move

is to be moving 

with time

I'm losing my mind

I'm losing my mind

all the time

all the time

I try to experience the sublime

by remaining in constant awe

of everything

even the ordinary things

like a deck chairs

like a flight of stairs

and a lone cup of tea

in a shed at night

storm outside

hmm so now, 

weighing up 

the (non)options before me

                          --------------to be free

                                to be free

                 to just be

hmmm should I go back 

to cutting down trees

with my friends the 

lumberjacks

no I can't go back

no I can't go back

should I go to the dino shop

resume conversation

with the dead birds and the dead rocks

no I can't go back, I broke the locks

(for a reason)

hmm should I start peddling drugs again

no please don't send

any prescriptions my way

no, I can't go back

no, I can't go back

instead, I'd like to just slack

off----------------------------maybe retire from life

retire from life

               I'd like to retire from life                                      

should I just do 

nothing

sweet nothing

cos really, I'm tired of doing stuff

of seeing folks,

and acting tough

when really

I'm good, I'm gone 

materialist

theorize

vague ideas 

they materialize

some how

you just have to be there

you just have to stare

at it long enough

for it to become real

between sublime and surreal

the sublime moments 

that make up a day

the sublime moments

I got so much to say

but no words

the sublime moments 

that make up a day

let me try to say

the sublime words 

that made up a day:

 the mouse 

exploring the silver city

-----dirty and gritty 

 the crumpled foil

------wagging its tiny tail, 

trying not to spoil

an appetite ////////////(for disaster)

a moment

four ladies from Sri Lanka

laughing in unison on the northern line

hysteric, foreign, some kind of sublime 

a moment

being with my friend

on the sand; on the shore

made up of ten thousand pores

of glass, in the sublime light

a cloud of it, in the night 

above st pauls

her bags, I go bag-less

but with much baggage

you can have it

all, 

the sublime moments 

that make up a day

the pigeon that flew away

across the heavy orange and green sky

next to a a building, (not real but oh so) high

the dots on a topi

her foot next to mine in prayer

the waves, coloured in christmas lights

the beggar on the street

his touch, our eyes did meet

both sunken

sublime, 

his fingers touched mine

as I imparted silver

raggedy blanket

rain mixed with gleeful sorrow

the sublime moments

that make up a day

ten million to make up a life

girl what do you say?

come away with me 

the time is now

vera lynn and autumn leaves

there////

listening to vera lynn

-we'll meet again-

(don't know where, don't know when)

back then

with professor J and the crows

time slowed

down, it's speeding now

on remembrance day

while traversing space

----unknown

like the island

in the middle of the 

dried up lake

on an autumns day

the sun shines for the sake

of all thirsty souls

absorb gold rays

you are home now----

still around

she's getting married

my best mate

the girl who carried

me through

girl, I'm so happy for you 

but I ain't gonna lie

I'm proper sad too

--------changes

I'm not ready to lose you

(not yet)

thanks, for noticing

scatterbrain 

you missed you train

you missed your stop

you missed a lot

-of things-

thanks for noticing

pot noodle and raggedy clothes

pot noodle

hollow hellos

bumming around

stains on my clothes

sitting in the basement

for I can't waste them

the days

and so even when the malaise

makes it hard

I become harder

and just go---

-never at home-

///////cos I got this feeling

that I can't start healing

until I fall through---

fam, I love you

for trying to

///get me

another end of the world

mother

edging precariously 

on the surface of the sea

the mud flats 

the broomway

half liquid half solid

----------bottled it

I felt like complete shit

in that dream I was having

or was it I nightmare

either way, when I woke up I didn't care

if is seemed real, still

though it did, kill

 some hopes of a restfulsleep

for I entered, the end of

the world, 

and watched from a high place

the dark grey ocean rise and fall

waves lashing high and tall

and ethereal lights all around

a storm, ink waves

white sprays

and I stood there with my camera

desperately trying to take a picture 

but my it wasn't working

and my sisters were shouting 

come on, just come on

so I dismantled my camera

and water poured out of it

and seaweed started to grow around it

and so I screamed

and then I followed mother

as she edged towards the stage

on the surface of the sea

wholly preciously

for it was on the stage

my sister was to be married

///and then my teeth wobbled

and fell out 

and I awoke

(w)hole

wandering around at night

by tower bridge

the world is a fridge

so cold, so dark

but beautiful

---------embark

and you will see;

true beauty

true beauty

at night, the festive lights

shimmer like bright diamonds

emeralds, I try to find them

all around, by the river

broken bits of a star

that fell from outer space

broken bits of a heart

that no longer remains

------------whole

the road is life

left 

srdf 

so free

yet so sad

you'd think
it would get easier by now
walking away
for I've walked-------
                      ten thousands times to date
                                                                  ...but nah, I am
at peace, and so free
yet so sad
to leave

yet again-
goodbye                  
 ---- strangers I've come to know

/no matter, the road is life-

what its like one day

-crossing the bridge-
learning to /live/
in this dunya; my way,
on a rainy grey
-----////eve

watching the smog 

listening to the sky breathe

yeah I wear my heart on my sleeve

but not for you

just for me
just to see
what its like (one day)

someone like you (but not you)

you got married

and you took here there

your wife

yeah I was just looking in
feeling almost contented within
knowing------
--------knowing
that you weren't him
that she wasn't me
I'm so glad that she wasn't me

isn't life so completely funny

thank the Lord she wasn't me

thank the Lord I'm still free

but I pray you're both happy

I am, for I dodged another bullet

and I'm living life to the fullest

 I know, I still got

a long long long way to go

but if I didn't
what would there be to look forward to
                                                           //////the journey---

bitter sweet

and then it came to me

nothing, I dreamed about you

in my dream, you pushed me away

i miss you, I got some stuff i wanna say

but my phone is non-existant

and you don't have internet

and somehow we've let

ourselves drift ///// away
from everyone in the world 

including each other 

and I'm left wondering whether
you feel as alone as I do right now?

maybe this is what life is supposed to be
wholly bittersweet///// I better keep

my unspoken words

to myself

elusive----as ever

often in life

you don't get what you want

and when you do

you realise all too soon

that what you want

 wasn't actually what you wanted

at all----

                         paradox of life

intentions

and so she came

with a suitcase full of remedies

and I jotted them all down in my moleskin

beneath fireworks, we wandered in

confoundment; and she said I know you

better than you know yourself

sy, you don't know yourself at all

you need to disappear

you need to find it

you need to make clear

your intentions

                                      ---- all intentions

and so I listened to her, for once in my life

                                               I followed her advice

too little, too late

too little too late
i wish you didn't make me wait
                                     so long,
I wish I wasn't always
                                  this wrong

too little to late
time now////    for a clean break

time now////    to try and make

beautiful stuff happen

                                           ---------------again

one new change

and then last night

another rooftop sunset

where was that again

I forget, time it blurs

ahhh one new change

one new change

what a name

watching st pauls

feeling insane

as ever ever ever

sharing old woes

but nothing real

because nothings ever real

like this twilight

beautiful

and then it gets dark

and so we go to a cafe

and watch the river from above

this is compensation

for living in a dream

but still wanting

somehow to connect

to whats happened/ to whats happening

sad sad laughter

this is my way of connecting

to all the ten thosand places I been

autumnal cold, what does it mean

the hanging bats

by the big circle eye

and st pauls

you knnow it looks like the dome

at kennington station

the pleasure gardens

at that museum in the orange storm light

immersive, watching the people

on the screen, people from the past

what does that mean

watching water heal

cut off from everyone and everything

I can't really feel

and well, I don't care much anymore

not even about the undying storm

but I'm happy

-forever/ small details- 

enduring beauty