Does it Offend?

Don't be offended, 

it's just the way I am

fam, I'm hot and I'm cold

one minute 

I'm cripplingly shy 

the next 

I'm foolishly bold

sometimes 

I break into places

yet other times 

I find it hard to look 

up at faces 

I'm changeable 

It's inescapable 

this changeability 

I'm incapable

of staying the same. 

I'm bouncing off walls 

but there are times I remain 

so calm and still inside

like when I'm

meditating under a tree

or running in the rain so free

See it's just me

fam, it's just the way I am- 

so please

don't be offended. 

Goodbye 2012

Goodbye

two thousand and twelve 

with this bitter-sweet departing

let us delve 

a little deeper into our souls 

let us roll
up the scrolls,
of yesterday.

Goodbye old miseries and pain

goodbye troubles I tried to solve 

in vain. 

Goodbye mistakes, 

goodbye wasted days- 

a new year is upon us now,

and somehow, I've got a good feeling-
I look up at my ceiling

it's filled with possibilities. 

Lord, let this year be filled with magic 

and laughter and peace. 

Lord let colours reign and let there be ease

for each and every one of us!

Hula Hoop Girl

You wore hula hoops 

on all your fingers 

and with one hand 

on the steering wheel 

you drove at twilight.
Lost again,

in some anonymous place 

you flicked one off

by accident

a yellow band of potato

it landed somewhere-

the red lights changed to green 

you didn't care, 

you just searched 

the floor of your car

for that one hula hoop.

Honk! Honk!

I love you hula hoop girl-
you plonk!

Elaborate

If I were to elaborate 

perhaps my words

would eradicate

the possibilities 

you stored 

in your head 

trust me, yo 

some

things are best 

left unsaid.

Same Old

I said 'same old' 

I never told 

you what really went on

because you didn't 

really care.

Look, 

I don't need you to 

lend me an ear

I don't need anyone too.

In the last eight years

I've learnt to get through 

shit on my own

I've become a pro at dealing

with trouble alone. 

But thanks, 

whatever.

It's never easy...

Brother, you went back to Ecuador

3am I heard the door, slam shut.

I heard the taxi drive off. 

You never said goodbye-

neither did I. 

Brother, you're going back to Ecuador 

I still deplore, the way you speak to me

as if I'm a waste space, I wish I could erase,

the things you've done in the past 

the things you've said. 

More than that, I wish I could 

forgive and forget.

Brother, you're in Ecuador now

and I'm left wishing somehow 

it had been different this time

but perhaps in time, things will change 

perhaps in time, we'll find a way 

to get along. 

Spotless Mind

Did you ever watch that film 

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? 

I think I was fifteen, so were you. 

We left school early one afternoon

and went to see it at the cinema-

remember you forgot your glasses

you wore glasses back then 

so we sat in the second row

of the empty theatre. 

I don't really know 

where I'm going with this

I guess I was just wondering if
we would be better off

erasing every trace

of a person who occupies
a certain space

in ones mind?

Raincoat and Clogs

Spirit on the train

you wore trousers 

under your thawb 

and a raincoat 

that wouldn't absorb 

the sky's tears.

On your back you wore

a rucksack 

I thought it looked heavy-

I wonder

did your clogs dig 

into the ground

I thank heaven 

everyday

that

you found 

a way to

 still exist 

in a world 

so heavily

shrouded 

in mist.

That Conversation

Dear Stranger-

you probably don't know
who you are.

Let me give you a clue,

we met once by the peace pagoda
at Battersea Park.
You had a strange way about you

but most my friends usually do.
I just wanted to say

honestly, I enjoyed

that conversation we shared

it was long and interesting

and even a bit weird.

Anyway be well

and don't sell

out to the man

I know you don't plan

too. Sometimes it just happens

though don't let it happen to you

Programmed

You smoke a lot

You never eat

If the end of the world came

we'd just keep

walking.

We're like that see,

trees with roots,

deep under

and as the world

is torn asunder

we'd continue going

while others start slowing

I think

it's the way we're

programmed

remember-

we joked

rain-soaked

as we walked

on for miles-
you said

'If the end of the world came

we'd keep on down this same

muddy lane.'

Rise up

See, it's hard for me to explain

all the demons that I'd slain

Back when I was seeking

Back then I gained

so much with each new sacrifice

I would not only suffice

I would rise

up from the ashes

reborn, torn from that dark past

I never thought I'd outlast

those voices that would resound

in this head. They were so loud

I was proud

of myself

for the first time in my life

I felt like I was alive

I felt I finally I undersood

the wise 

and the wise words

I was once taught

by my ancestors, prophets

pilgrims and brethen

See, I fought and conquered

my lower self

-with a quiet stealth-

I fought and I won

But slowly everything I ever

worked for came undone

I tried again and again

to regain what left me,

what once was

but despite all my efforts

I failed to be there

and now I live in fear

that I'll be forever lost

whether or not I give up

everything

again

and

again

and gain nothing

from giving

and giving up

everything

See, only those who have

experienced

that grace, will face

the misery of uncertainty

perhaps till eternity 

surfaces...

Laces

I told you I lost my shoe laces.

You said it was strange-

you had a dream you lost yours too.

Maybe our thoughts are tied together

Maybe our reveries are laced through.

Follow the River

As I follow the river

I try to figure

shit out in my head

I try to figure 

out what led

to this moment in time-

some kind of sublime.

See
lately I've been living

in a dream 

that's not mine

and I can't seem 

to find-

a reason 

a cause

a calling

I know I'm stalling

I know I'm clawing

at 

something 

that's 

slipping 

from my grasp

I try so hard

to clasp

hold of

something 

already

long gone, 

something

I lost 

along 

my way

something
I still crave

See, nowadays

I always come up blank
but as I stand at the 

edge of the river bank 

and watch the waters
slide and glide along
and travel through 

I realise my end too 

like the river to the sea

I will one day 

come to find Thee.

This Heart

This heart of ice 

won't melt

I felt

-nothing.

I'm sorry for wasting your time

I know you were doing just fine

without me. 

Look-

I'll get out of your way

but before I do just let me say

this;

thank you 

thank you 

for letting me 

be part of you 

world.

See I hurled myself 

into a dangerous place

and if you weren't there

I doubt I could have erased

what had come before 

and what I never foresaw. 

See, without you 

I mightn't have seen 
the beauty in each new day

So let me just say-

thank you.

One

Of the ten thousand people

I met on my journey

you were the only 

one who ever really knew me.

You truly understood 

the depths of my madness.

You truly accepted me

with a certain gladness-

all that I am

all that I was

all that I wanted to be
and this is just one
of the reasons why
I can't forget thee.

Done Trying

You were right about me

in the end I did flee

and not just once or twice

but three

times. 

But I did have a reason

for committing such treason

In fact I had many 

it's just that now

I can't remember 

a single
one.

And I'm done

-trying.

Solitude under the Stars

...as we walked

by the canal at night

I gazed up

at the stars so bright

and I felt like

I was the only being

left in the world

-in this sweet solitude

their magnitude,

their servitude

astonished me

-and their shine

but their light in time

will fade away...

That One Friend

T- my dear friend from the past

I had a dream about you last

night. It was beyond weird

You were there with J

in some anonymous place and

you wore that same dangerous smile

on your face. 

Somedays I wish things would

go back to the way they were

before. 

Back when we were mates

Back when we'd be out adventuring

till late

-bunking off school 

and breaking all the rules.

Funny how things happened

Long ago we used to be friends

but then fate intervened 

and tore us apart

then brought us together again

in the strangest of ways

and then I went away

and you stayed 

and now I don't know where 

you are again.

I understand

that maybe we're not meant 

to be friends

Maybe we're bad for each other

But maybe we're due another 

chance...

Daughter of a Zoo-Keeper

...I dreamt that I was
the daughter

of a zoo-keeper
and this one time

I forgot to feed the shark 

so with his razor-sharp

teeth, he leapt up
from the water 

and bit my arm off-

the tiger scoffed

and the the grizzly bear 

just stared

blankly at me. 

It was the weirdest 

dream 

and when I awoke 

I couldn't seem 

to shake off the feeling

that I had forgotten to redeem
myself for something
that I had done...

Cloud

A cloud- 

golden and not of this world

came bounding towards me

its swirls of glory

moved so gracefully 

across the sky-

it travelled 

at such a speed

I could barely 

concede

it was real.

I held my breathe 

as it passed 

over my head

I wish
it came down low

so
that I could have 

bummed a ride

(I sighed)

upwards 

towards the
kingdom of peace.

Son of a Diplomat

I wonder what life 

must have been-

to go unseen 

to never get bored

to be able to afford

any dream,

any wish

I'd switch 

places with him 

on a day like this
but most days
I'd rather not
See actually
I'm pretty happy
with my lot.

Fellowship of Exiles

...we're part of a

fellowship

of exiles

who travelled 

for miles

in search 

of a new life.

You left behind

everyone and everything 

you knew,
in search for something new-

only to realise that

perhaps you drew

the short straw
perhaps her promise

fell through
And now-
here you are

an outlaw
afar

Talk to Me

girl, there was a time
when we would talk about
our worries
our fears,

it scares me 

the darkness that consumes 

the danger that looms

before you now.

I'd like somehow 

to help you

but I can't because 

I'm right there too-

girl, didn't you once say 

that we're one and the same?

Ship in a Storm

This house has become 

a ship in a raging storm

will its furious waves
restore or deform?

Raising flags

and rising voices

heard amidst 

discordant noises-

the sea water 

sprays tears

diffusing 

fervent fears.
The sky darkens

waves crash 

and hearts thrash 

in a rib cage:

the rib cage 

is this dwelling

this home, 

floating on troubled waters

floating on a sea unknown.

I wonder 

will we fall in 

here on the brink-

will we sink 

or will we swim? 

Estranged Brother

To my estranged brother

from another mother-

I heard you came by the shop

but there were a lot

of people around-
too many. 

So you walked on by 

you never stopped to say hi-

I guess I understand why.

But I wonder still 

I wonder
how many connections

have gone ill

in this way

I'd say-

maybe ten thousand

a day...

Silver Thing

It's like I got flashed

by that silver thing 

in Men in Black

and just like that

all I knew

all I believed to be true

disappeared 

without a trace

man, what a waste!

-adrift.

I never say goodbye

and this is the reason why

I float, like a boat

without a sail- I sail

through life

-adrift. 

I drift across an ocean

unknown to me

but at least I know 

it's been decreed 

for me- 

this floating, 

this sailing,

this drifting

and this waiting. 

I hope to find an anchor 

one day, that will anchor 

me to one place...

Dear Friends

Dear friends,

on different ends 

of the same spectrum-

we're losing momentum

we're losing touch 

and as such

I have to ask you:

I have to ask-

dear friends

scattered across 

this big earth

am I worth

saving?

Someone I once Knew

Broken,

bored and

deeply flawed-

he cuts his wrists

he clenches his fists

he bleeds, 

he bleeds, 

he bleeds. 

The Outsider

...he dressed 

like he was from a 

different time

always

benign 

always

gracious

always

inoffensive

always

efficacious...

Glad

I'm glad I don't 

write a journal any more

for it would just be filled
with flaw after flaw

after 

flaw. 

I'm glad I no longer

dwell in my forgotten days.

I'm glad I no longer 

dwell on my rotten old ways.

I'm glad nothing ever lasts

I'm glad memories fade fast

faster now I don't write them down...

Life is not a tape

 to be wound and rewound

I finally found 

myself understanding

what he meant. 

Time to Ditch

Oh man

so here I am 

again,

would you 

believe

its been 

less than 

ten weeks 

and already 

my feet

are beginning

to itch-

is it time

already 

is it time 

to ditch

this job

that's robbed

me of another 

vision. 

Another stupid

decision

Another failed 

mission.

Shit 

why must I always 

flit?

Why can I never 

sit

still?

Will 

I get through 

this time?

Will I find

a way 

to stay 

rooted?

F*** 

I don't want to 

get stuck

and

I can't get 

attached
see

any moment

I'll be snatched

away 

to some other place.

See, I'm too free
but not in the right ways.
See, I'm too free
I'm wasting all my days.
I need grace man,
Man, I really need

the grace, to face

tomorrow...

Sinking Sand

Since I got back 

I've been running 

endless miles 

across a desert 

of quicksand-

silent and swift

I lift 

one foot 

and 

then the other

trying to keep pace.

I run, I run, I run

in such haste  

afraid of sinking 

into the ground.

I run, I run, I run, 

without a sound

and with the 

desert hound 

on my tail 

waiting 

waiting 

waiting 

for me to trip up

waiting
for me to fail 

so he can claim my body 

for his own

and tear it apart 

piece

by 

piece 

by 

piece.

I run, 

I run,

I run...

There is a Way to be Good Again

There is a way 

to be good again

my dear, but I fear

you've lost interest 

in the coming world-

in life beyond 

this dream.

It seems 

you don't care 

any more.

My dear, 

it seems you've 

walked through

another door- 

Come back now

Come back forevermore

Come back now 

Come back before 

'nevermore'

keeps you away

for all eternity.  

Dear, I regret to say lately

you've become a bit of a bore

Dear, I regret to say lately

you've forgotten who you were before

So let me remind you, 

let me give you a tour 

of who you used to be. 

You used to be joyous 

and spirited and free. 

Dear, you used to be happy. 

There is a way to be good again

I read it in a book

I'm sorry I mistook you 

for someone who 

was searching for the truth

I thought I saw something in you-

something true.

I guess I thought you wanted it, 

more that you do.

This war you've waged

against the world 

girl, you'll only end up hurting

yourself. 

Dear there was a time 

when you wanted to be better

than the rest

you wanted to be the best 

human being 

you could be 

a soul that could 

clearly see

beyond the horizon...

There is a way to be good again.  

A Voice

A voice

inside my head

said 

to me

girl, 

who are you 

trying to fool?

don't you think 

it's been long enough?

don't you think 

it's time to give up?

girl, take off your scarf

I heard the voice laugh-

cruel and sharp

it pierced a hole 

right through my heart

stop pretending to be 

holy,
solely for the sake of others...

stop pretending to be

someone you're not-
blot it all out.
I heard the voice shout

girl,
stop lying to yourself!

Perhaps you could 

don a balaclava

instead

the voice said

it might suit, 

start to loot 

this world

become a criminal

become a mute

a non-identity

is hard to find

for every kind

of costume 

carries weighty 

ideas, 

it's not you're fault

that there's no 

default 

way of living

and now

this is the result 

you remain static 

not wanting 

or able 

to move backwards 

or forwards

the conundrum 

of the ascetic who gave 

up the world 

whose certainties soon

began to unfurl

and who slowly 

began to forget

how could you let

this happen?

In Time

If I could go back in time

I would try and find

a way to make it work

you know

it drove me berserk

living that life

living through that strife 

living though that pain 

it drove me near insane

But I'd go back again 

if it meant being 

close to you

Moving On

Lonely secrets

reside in a hidden 

place

they lace

their way into

'moving on.'

Time Machine

I'd like to build
a time machine
and go back to a time 

when the earth was green-

a time when the
dusty barefoot pilgrim-
would travel
a great
lengthy winding distance

in search of truth
to this life's existence.

Girl

girl, 

I heard you received 

an invitation to sin

 I wonder, 

will you give in 

to him

this time 

or will you find 

the strength of mind 

to resist?

girl, 

desist in speaking 

to the one

who has slowly 

undone

much of what 

you strived to achieve

Do not leave

this path

half-way 

through,

few

have been given 

as many chances 

as the Lord 

has given you. 

girl,

you know this is true-

You know this

so don't persist;

instead resist

his charms- 

get out of harms
way and be stronger 

than your desires 

many of them are liars 

anyway

girl,
please,
don't throw it all away 

for the promise
of another day...

A Dark Place

As I heard the saxophone 

sound and diffuse

 in the crowded
underground

I felt a presence cut the cord

I felt myself drift towards

a dark dark place

without a trace

 will I disappear? 

without a fear 

 will I leave 

this world?

Soon the people 

disperse

and head-first

I dive into the abyss

and everything I ever feared

is adhered to. 

Still I suffer in silence

still this spiritual violence

overcomes me 

over and over 

again and again

torn apart-
scars grace this heart
craters and valleys
fault-lines and dark
cold alleys 

This malaise 

transports me to a frightening place

and brings back memories

of nightmares and fears 

once forgotten. 

Memento Mori

The angel of death whispers to me

quietly in my ear 

and instils within me

a panic, a rising fear

I swear, I'll change 

I'll rearrange my life again

I just need time. 

This malaise

raises questions 

about my spiritual state

I hate 

these pains 

these hidden aches

I fake 

being okay

so I can stay

awake 

for the stakes are too high

for everything to go awry 

once more

To lose focus on living

and to give in

to the pain

again and again

drives me insane

and I sink 

deeper and deeper
I teeter on the edge
as I think 

dark thoughts 

in dark places....

The Way it Happened

The way it happened- 

it happened this way. 

A thousand stolen glances

A thousand missed chances
Did I dream it,
or did you really say

'hey-
 can't you see

you and me 

we're meant to be

together.' 

Lahore, I miss you.

Lahore-

 I miss you.

I miss your colour

I miss your magic

I miss your people 

I miss your dusty streets

and I miss your stifling heat

I miss your warmth.

Lahore, 

I miss your kingdom

I miss your children 

I miss their smiles and their wiles

Lahore I miss walking for miles
 everyday 

to Shalimar Gardens

through a labyrinth of markets 

that harden 

folk.

Where I am now

Where I've been

Will I ever understand

what it all means?

I miss the creatures that roam

I miss home.

I wonder, 

is it possible to feel homesick

towards a land so derelict

so ill-equipped

for a dreamer
like me? 

If only I could make you see-
Lahore!

Lahore, I miss your heart

But is it really possible for me to start

a new life in your land

and yet remain how I am

myself-

how I think 

and how I live? 

How can I give 

back?

Lahore I want a piece of you

I want to buy a piece of you 

and create a magical place

a sacred space

a school filled with joy and learning

Lahore, I will never stop yearning 

for you

for this dream. 

I'd create a nature reserve 

where I'd serve 

up natural ideas and 

spiritual delights
and I'd share with friends,
such beautiful sights.

Lahore I miss you, I do. 

Lahore, I have so many plans

I can't tell you

But you know they always fall 

through.

Time is ticking Lahore

What does the future have in store

for me?

I'm scared 

I'll get distracted and forget

the promises I made to the children I met

by the banks of the river Ravi.

Should I really go away

to do an MA 

in Creative Writing

or should I keep fighting 

to make this dream a reality(?)...

Dear Stranger

Dear Stranger,

you may find this hard to take

but I find it hard to relate

to you and to the rest of humankind.

Sometimes I have to remind

myself that we were both created out of one Mind

a Mind that we will never understand.

We were both formed from the same Hand.

I'm sorry Stranger, that I can't break through

your exterior and find the interior

the thing that binds
us, humankind

together as one.  

Chance Encounter

Ny, you walked right by

me today at the station-

I tugged you,

you turned around

and I hugged you.

We talked

but I never got the chance

to say sorry-

I'm sorry that I missed your wedding

it was doing my head in

thinking about how to break it to you.

There's no reason good enough,

There's no excuse.

My dear, 

you know this year

I've missed quite a few

and the guilt I have accrued

has been great

but to tell you the truth

I don't like weddings

they make me feel strange

and out of place. 

I never know what to wear

or what to say or what to do

I just hang about awkwardly

and wait till it's through

I just wait for the

Muslim equivalent of 'I do'

before zipping on out of there

this much is true.

But I'm sorry still

I should have gone against my will

and cancelled those 'important plans' 

I had made

and instead been there for you 

on your big day.

I didn't realise how much I missed you

and your blue eyes

until I saw you today

after nearly a year (and a half)

I hope you're happy dear

I really do

and I hope life works out for you

through and through.

With love

Return

Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un

Truly, to God we belong and truly, 

to Him we shall return.

So stand firm, daughter of Adam.

I repeated these words in my mind,

no others words I could find

that would offer me a sense of peace

as I walked away

one last time.

This Old Reverie

Are you there now by any chance?

I glanced inside this old reverie

Because if you are

I'm not that far away

What do you say?

I mean I could easily drop by

just to say hi

...if you like.

And should you ask me to stay

for part of the day,

or for a cup of tea maybe?

Maybe I would...stay

Seeds to Grow

She lives life

as through she's already dead,

And often I find myself

wondering what led

to her to being there.

What fear?

What strife

had rendered life

too much for her to bare?

Such despair!

What was it in her fate

that had led her to this state

that made her lose all hope

and forever mope

about...

And why, I tried

to understand, can't she just let go?

Why can't she just sow

new seeds, the seeds she needs

to grow?  

Hey Kid

If only one person would say

hey kid, you've made the right decision

you had a vision

and you went after it.

So what, if you didn't hit

the mark.

You tried, and that's good enough...

Life on Repeat

Ever feel

like you're living

the same day

over and over again?

When,

will these wounds heal?

When,

will I feel

whole again?

Or am I cursed

with the worse

kind of memories

the kind that won't

fade away?

Will I one day

go insane

like those kids

on roaccutane?

Christmas Parties

I must confess

I hate Christmas parties

and I avoid them like the plague

vaguely I remember one

and it was not fun.

See I'm not about that life

drinking, fornicating and with a knife

stabbing at a vital part of myself-

the soul cries, the heart slowly dies;

wise are those who give them a miss

for it is they who minimize the risk

of rendering themselves fools- 

rule yourself: mind, body and soul. 

I saw it once, written on a toilet wall:

'Slaves of earthly desire

are we destined for the fire?'

Man Versus Machine

Man, I'm just so damn tired

of forever being wired

to this godforsaken wireless world

of unreality.

Here I await a fatality

Here I await my finality

Here, in this banality

I live, in this maddening

wireless world

In this wireless world

to connect is to forget

what living means

as a human being

screams all around,

so much noise, but no sound

no real sound, can be found

in this unreality

And in the absence of the sacred

you can make it by remaining aloof,

let loose, unplug,

to remove yourself from the system

and to find your own wisdom

from above or within

is to win, in this war

between man and machine

to be free, to see

-clearly.

Fight for it,

a life outside this crazed

wireless world of unreality...

Two Friends

I once knew

two Muslim men

back when

I worked in Clapham

and it just so happened

that one was from Bosnia

and the other was from

Sierra Leonne

and both were known

to be best of friends.

They would play tennis together

whatever the weather

and they asked me often

to come and watch them

I never did

But these two friends

would often lend

me the best of advice,

they sure were wise

and they had much in common

as children

neither had learned to pray

but now, both would often say

inshAllah!

Time went by

and soon they went their

separate ways

it fazed, me.

The way paths often collide

but only for a while

we all part ways

eventually and always.

And no one stays-

behind.