to be me again

...this time last year

as i lay on the rooftop ledge-
a silent tear
of sadness slid from my eye,
i carried on gazing up
at the Indian sky,
all the while
i was listening to that same song

I wasn't wrong

back then I wasn't wrong

I was just lost

but a different kind of lost

I'm bearing the cost

for that kind of 'lost' now. 

and still these feeling won't go away

they've been knocking me sideways

and when I've already got so much

shit on my mind, you find
a way to make it worse, stranger. this curse

I need to break it,
 but it get's harder as I move

sideways, I never know

which way I should go

for life now has become a string
of no-shows

for etched flesh says 'go slow'
so I ghost so
I ghost-

I missed it,

I missed out on

a million meetings

a million greetings

of joy and happiness

and peace

on the surface 

I'm at ease

and I'm smiling still

and trying to mend

myself, trying to find the will
to go on, but every time I get close

something bad happens

and something bad

keeps happening

and I can't escape

the present

I wish it would lessen-
the hurt, but you keep pouring 

petrol on a dying fire

when all I require

is a thousand drops of water

just let dying embers- be.

I just wish
I could be tested

when I'm better prepared

and better rested

for I can't do these long

and deep conversations

without my mind

and Lord, the pain

I hate talking about the physical pain

but I'm going insane

I've been trying to remain strong

but maybe I really do belong

in Springfield

I know

I know

I promised myself

I wouldn't write sad poems any more,
but if I store
these feelings inside, they'll choke me

they'll revoke me

of all privaleges

I want to let go

I want to be free

I want to just be

me again-!