Thursday, 28 February 2013

to be me again

...this time last year
as i lay on the rooftop ledge-
a silent tear
of sadness slid from my eye,
i carried on gazing up
at the Indian sky,
all the while
i was listening to that same song
I wasn't wrong
back then I wasn't wrong
I was just lost
but a different kind of lost
I'm bearing the cost
for that kind of 'lost' now. 
and still these feeling won't go away
they've been knocking me sideways
and when I've already got so much
shit on my mind, you find
a way to make it worse, stranger. this curse
I need to break it,
 but it get's harder as I move
sideways, I never know
which way I should go
for life now has become a string
of no-shows
for etched flesh says 'go slow'
so I ghost so
I ghost-
I missed it,
I missed out on
a million meetings
a million greetings
of joy and happiness
and peace
on the surface 
I'm at ease
and I'm smiling still
and trying to mend
myself, trying to find the will
to go on, but every time I get close
something bad happens
and something bad
keeps happening
and I can't escape
the present
I wish it would lessen-
the hurt, but you keep pouring 
petrol on a dying fire
when all I require
is a thousand drops of water
just let dying embers- be.
I just wish
I could be tested
when I'm better prepared
and better rested
for I can't do these long
and deep conversations
without my mind
and Lord, the pain
I hate talking about the physical pain
but I'm going insane
I've been trying to remain strong
but maybe I really do belong
in Springfield
I know
I know
I promised myself
I wouldn't write sad poems any more,
but if I store
these feelings inside, they'll choke me
they'll revoke me
of all privaleges
I want to let go
I want to be free
I want to just be
me again-!