Wednesday, 16 January 2013

These Empty Epiphanies

I got it so wrong, 
I can't believe it's taken me this long
to realize it.
There's a reason why I 
to make it 
to the black mountains
of Wales
to live 
a natural life-
to be precise
to find freedom in solitude, 
to find union in servitude. 
There's a reason why
every door has 
slammed shut 
in my face
There's a reason why
my fall from grace
has been anything 
but graceful.
See, I've always been hasteful.
Perhaps I've never truly been 
There's a reason why
I didn't get that job 
in Midhurst
my thirst 
to leave the city
grew, this much is true
But I realize now
it's not the city
I needed to escape
it was the grief
the sorrow
the promise of 
of pastures green
of going unseen
of being
simple 'being'
There's a reason why 
I remain in the city
I just don't know what 
that reason is yet.
I wanted to forget
that's the real reason
I wanted to leave this 
place, every trace
of here reminds me 
of you.
Still I wonder 
can this spirit inside grow?
I don't know, 
I just know
I want to see clearly
I just want to be free. 
But it would be easy
to 'be' 
some place
where no one knows me
See here, I'm often
overcome by guilt
the guilt of staying away
the guilt of going for days
without seeing you. 
-of letting you down
-of making you frown
because so often I bail
because so often I fail  
to make it. 
Maybe I can find a way 
to be here, 
Maybe I can pretend to be
else. Right? 
Can I delight
in home yet be afar
from everyone I know.  
For here I am now
in no-mans land
trying to find my feet
and stand
on them firmly 
still I'm restless
still I'm reckless
still I'm feckless
I got it so wrong
I can't believe 
it took me this long
to realize it-