the art of self- sabotage

the art of self sabotage

drop the façade

and set it all alight

make all days and nights

the same but different 

the art of self sabotage

walk away, walk away, walk away

every time you feel your sky 

turning grey

the art of self sabotage

quit before you even start

never put your heart

before all else, or else

you might just make it right

better still, take flight

the art of self sabotage

cut your speech in half

break every promise, 

cut every tie

don't even bother to try

to explain, 

see it's all the same

the art of self sabotage

turn you're life into a collage

mismatched and misshapen

escape them

all certainties, 

laid out, s'just dunya

fade out, 

////////s'just dunya

searching, even still

travelling solo

don't know where I'm going yo

                                  I'm still trying            though

to figure it out 

on my way, 

hood up, I stay 

at the back

head up looking at the sun

I'm still that same bum

still I've yet to come

round full circle, 

though the circle

is fast closing

so still I, 

                                                   continue roving

these city streets

those city streets, up rivers, I keep

staring at the same sun

wondering how I'd managed to out run

them all, yet at the same time
be so far behind
                                                      still here
right here
I swear

I still have no idea

------shit man, 

life, it still alludes me

though its beauty

                                           keeps me going

too late, to be slowing

too little, I be knowing

even still

the space in between

another dream falls short

I wonder, has life really taught, 

me anything, any single thing

                                                     to feel the sting

of disappointment, 

                                   time and time again

to wonder
                                                       when, just when just when
          you'll ever make it through

whether you'll find the courage
to renew
all intentions
to find new meaning
free from pretension

another dream falls short

this time, a dream I fought

so hard to make a reality

the space between

fiction and actuality

is gaping, 

the space-

it's making

me wonder why

I ever bothered 

another dream falls short 

no matter

I always sought

to be free

                  from dreams

-peace, maybe it lies 

in the space in between-

you are loved

september already

not another goodbye

so I keep my distance 

at least I try

to keep my heart

from breaking

at least I try 

to stop myself hating

you for leaving

for leaving, for leaving

you're gone now

just like the rest

one less

soul to keep me sane

one less

soul to help me gain

clarity in unity

(im)punity

so I'll go to that hostel alone

and I'll watch the stars shine 

and listen to the sea waves roll

stay close to God

you said, pray for me

I'll pray for you too

meow, you said

know that you are

very loved

know that you are

very loved

the words ring in my mind

know that you are

very loved

what about my cat?

three beautiful little boys

brothers, with curly hair

dimples and an air

of care

                  free, three
                                                      beautiful little boys

their smiles brought about joy

                  pure and simple          
                                      each a symbol
of all things right
in the world,
                                      it was almost like
 their smiles eluded peace
I said 'where are you kids from?'
(perhaps somewhere in the middle east?)

they pointed upwards 'that estate' 

and also palestine

we're from palestine, 

said the eldest, 

                    he looked about nine

                                                palestine, 

I frowned

               and he looked down
his brother then said

they're blowing up home

boom boom boom!

              my cat got left behind

but we'll pick him up soon soon soon
my aunts looking after it

            but she's half blind

we're from palestine

and so is our cat

         they're blowing up home

                    they're blowing up home

boom boom boom

soon soon soon
we'll pick up our cat
(we'll pick up the pieces)

they ran off then

to play football

with the others

boom boom boom
                 ssshhhhhhhhhhh
soon soon soon
(we'll pick up the pieces)

yaadein

i'll come round

to your yard girl

i'll let you know

next time i go

to the secret garden 

in springfield

we can listen to 

woh lamhe

woh lamhe

woh bheegi bheegi yaadein

liberation

then maybe liberation

lies in realising 

that it really don't matter

nah it really won't matter

then maybe liberation

lies in knowing

that its the former 

not the latter

where needs lie

so you don't hafta try

to get by

                        just float

for the end is neigh

the end is neigh

raining in niagara

hiding behind a lens
the last few months spence,
you've been more of a friend
to me than anyone I know
spence in so many ways
you've helped me to grow
better, stronger
braver
I long for
us to stay friends
forever-----------------
the qualities you possess
are nothing less
than beautiful///////////
patience emblazoned
with a nervous calm
so I wonder, can't you just
stay here
for I'll miss you so much
I'll miss you so much
I'll miss our adventures, spencer
I'll miss
traipsing around
in storms,
I'll miss
all our sketchy places
distracting     from the sketchy dark spaces
that lie within us
you know what I'm talking about
spence you know
what it's like
life
ink and light
hands across the sea
connected we'll always be

girl, how do I say goodbye?
I die 

a little every time
the rain is falling
in niagara tonight
xx

explore and restore

exploring

restoring

hope

the places i go

they be so dope

that the mind expands

facts cram

fiction together

and dreams 

become string

tying in truth

exploring 

restoring

hope

what i got

you looked so beautiful

at the wedding

the niazi wedding

one of ours

i was there floating

smudged eye liner

a fuzzy mind

a new sister in law

i had to remind

myself, that i was there

not in a dream

lately I've been 

living in a dream

with nepalese music

clouds a discoloured cream

I lost my life

I lost myself

I traded it in

and there you looked beautiful

you brought me back to earth
girl, I kept bumping into your twin

hers eyes sad but filled with mirth

she told me i used to be so much fun

she asked me why I changed

why I had no phone

I bit my tongue, I refrained

from saying a thing

she said i had the perfect life

she said i have the perfect life

she said I had the perfect life

was she right

is that what I got?

impermanance

what was true then

is now just something 

                   intangible             unreal

how fleeting

these feelings

we claim to possess

maybe by meeting 

less             and         less

souls

we'll understand

that we met no one

in particular

we were met with nothing

                            be not bitter

for impermanence

is of this world

(a self fulfilling prophecy)

you spoke

you spoke

in a manner

so business like

i thought the cracks 

in your voice might

give way

and a crater would form, 

you would be unable to say

a single thing

then you would be left

you would be left

with nothing

but non language

emotions

you don't have

give it up, giving them up

you just can't stay away

can you sy

don't matter how hard you try

your friends

they're just always around

making you smile and laugh

at things so crazy and daft

they make you feel

less lost and more found

less mental and more sound

less broken

more outspoken

more you

so quit trying to drive

them away

love to you guys

                                    proper

please leave a message after the tone

listen 

i'm taking some time out

for me

i'm learning to say no

to see

if it'll make a difference

so don't ask me

to come out

don't ask me to stay out

don't ask me

to help you get your shit together

when I can't decipher whether

or not i'm living

I need to take some time out 

for me

to be free

and if you really cared

you'd respect that

veneer

you always look 

so dark and broody

so lost in thought

it's hugely

disconcerting

watching the shadows

flit across your face

each half thought

a wish to trace

the lines of worry

so unearthly

to take away the pain 

you feel, to watch you heal

and to heal in the process

you always look

so troubled and wounded

lucid 

              translucent

i can see 

                         through
your see-through
veneer

dim light, something

mum i saw you 

floating up the road

like a mystic phantom

a dream, deeply sad and 

more than random

sometimes I can't stand them

dreams

they don't count

do they mum, 

but then you were real

I knew you were real

when you  took me in your arms

when you took me in your arms

a calm, 

washed over me then

and I could have stayed there forever

                    embracing

mother i'm still chasing 

shadows, 

guide me to the light

i pray that I might

                     be like you

                            many years later

she came to realise

                       many years later

she came to realise                                          

many years later

                               the streetlights

grew dim

vague as anything

..to be taken (a)back

           to a forgotten time

                                     life is but a fine

 chiselled down dream

                                                  vague as anything....

The Fear

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z6IAm5xyAfc

slipping away

forever slipping away

your messages

your messages they relay

                        so much

more than you do

Busan, Niagra, Istanbul

and then

every corner of here

a rip, a tear           

separation,

                                     desperate desperation,

for time  

                         if only we had the time

to really stay connected

once upon a time

 a stray message resurrected

a friendship 

              dead and gone
                               overdrawn        
slipping away 

forever slipping away

maybe in another world
your voice will relay
more than your stray messages

backpack life and piety

backpack life

I travel light

within my bag

lies

the sum

of all I posses

scriptures

some clothes

where I'll end up

who knows

and so I ask 

can I stay over tonight?

and girl you say

sure, of course

you know you don't hafta ask

and at night
at night we have a laugh

on the swings by your estate

and I'm humbled by your state

of pure piety

and I can see

I've fallen 

and there on another hill

northala, we could still

chat like we used to

on the hills of northola

we're older

so much older
but still so young
and so you make me pray

I make you say

you'll make me good

make me better

and so we recite surahs

 at dawn, late at night

cameroon girl

back then you changed my life

and who would have imagined

all these years later

we'd end up here

you and I

sam and sy

here I am

still living a backpack life

hood rat
get it back
                      real faith

safari cinema

gold light

streaming in through

the gaps

in the tall tree tops

diffusing

 hundreds of splinters of gold

the light of a star, starlight

safari cinema

the wild animals bite

steel pans

        the lion roars

                                              a sweet

cruel melody

stories of place

ten thousand stories

ten thousand places

all in this city

it's a pity

no one wants to know

stranger free

people together

i see them everywhere

i go, but i go alone

often, even when I don't

start out that way

I end up by some lake

some reservoir

some woods, the boulevard

the hood

yeah, I end up alone

a lone ranger

a wayfaring stranger

you know this 

you know this

and this is where freedom lies

adult world

when did that happen

                             growth

when did that happen

         

            adult things to say

uneasy

like

should I lend you money 

                      for the rent

like

you'll make a good mum

                                 are you really 

                going to be a mum

unable to process

six months 

and things like

are you going to get a divorce

did he relapse

did she force

             you to say yes

adult things to say

and they 

come out so (un)natural

like sure, I'll baby sit

sure, I can skip

the next few years

meet someone?

get married?

           nah, I don't know about that

I don't know about stuff like that

marriage and kids

careers and shit

nahh, he was right
                        I'm just a kid

just a kid exploring 

sometimes adoring

all that surrounds

what do I know

    about adult things to say....

 not much, I'll tell you that

vespas and vinyls

the air was thick 

                       with regret

girl, you and I

where did it go

six months

our helmets, vespa's, vinyls

and now all that's left

is an air, thick with regret

I wish I met 

         you sooner

maybe in another life

sy-deffects

sy-deffects

of living life

twenty four seven

you stop living

twenty four seven

five plus eleven

sy-deffects include

slow reactions

delayed processing

quietude

brain fog

head pain

itching 

sneezing

a racing heart

and thoughts that dart

from one thing to another

sy-deffects include

apathy, and an allergy

to continuity

sy-deffects

side effects

sigh deflects

will you not miss it?

street kid

hood rat

are you happy

wandering

will you not miss it

the freedom

of midnights and dawns

spent alone

                                    in lahore 

will you not miss it

your lone adventures

shared ones too,
will you not miss them
your friends

your life

will you not miss it

the way the heavy rain falls
on your short tangled mess of a hair
by canals where none walk
will you not miss
the heavy rain,
the white light
the stationary boats
and a smile across your face

freedom
will you not miss it
a wonder around a temple
beside ruins
under rainbows, on top of hills
sometimes so still
in prayer

will you not miss it

the weeks
that feel like lifetimes
will you not miss it
the busy streets and open skies
calling people up
asking if you can go over
stay over
wait, laugh till it hurts
unrooted
with no inhibitions,

will you not miss it
hood rat
street kid

will you not miss it?
will you not miss it?

side walk of life

your poems, 

they compensate 

for feelings you don't have

you said 

where did your heart go?

numb, you're numb 

and so you write to become

feeling, 

midnight travelling bum

you're nowhere in particular

you feel nothing

but sometimes sadness

when the phone keeps ringing

ring ring ring ring

and no one picks up

but sometime sadness

when you come home 

and there's no one around

but sometimes sadness 

when your looking at the lake 

and experience an ache 

in the crux of your being

your soul, your soul, your soul

but sometimes happiness

a hug, a pat on the head

kind words, certain memories

ten thousand unplanned adventures

with friends from everywhere

but happiness sometimes

when you're on the road

wondering alone

up the side walks of life

and it's beautiful

and magical

too deep to speak of

too free, too free, too free

and coming together

with your true self

being your true self

secret garden, gone

secret Japanese garden

uprooted, a heap of compost

a pile of rubble

secret Japanese garden

gone, gone, gone

symbolic of all that went

wrong wrong wrong

there there there

(no-thing is for-ever)

living and forgetting

and after a time

of waiting and forgetting

of forgetting and waiting

just like that

you came back into my life

and you brought with you

renewed dreams

never to become material

always to remain arial 

on a rooftop, faraway 

fuzzy and uncertain

fast fading, draw the curtain

on a vision long gone

but we know

you and i

and i can live in dreams

or at least I can try

for your the only one

i have left

her perfect world

in my perfect world

she said

she said we'd wear whatever

but we wouldn't wear masks

we would be ourselves

nobody would have to ask

we could talk openly

with our mouths full of food

we wouldn't care, 

there would be no such thing as rude

we'd live free

we'd live happy

we'd just live

in my perfect world

we'd just live

she said