BEAUTY of the DAYS gone BY

dunya is

dunya is 

waiting in the cold rain

for a dream, thats faded into a mirage

it's going to castle 

and realising that life goes on

that they've already forgotten you

dunya is distance

its transience

its floating in outer space

never settling

in one place

it's trying so hard to erase

everything that hurts you

dunya is silent sadness 

it's words unspoken

its half the wing

of a half gnat

it's falling short

it's falling apart

it's losing sight

it's losing heart

dunya is living 

it's knowing

that's its incomplete

and so are you 

and so is everything 

dunya is a story that'll never be finished

 its words that will never be scribed

its truth, shrouded in lies

dunya is dark 

it's a lark, a laugh

a cry, a sob

a few breathes in a few places 

but sometimes 

more than sometimes

often

dunya

it's a pretty beautiful place

filled with pretty beautiful people

and things

just imagine 

what akhira 

could be. 

--- de-illusions

miss you every day 

miss you in every way

miss your sad eyes, your beautiful smile 

miss you so much

every once in a while

i tell myself to let you go

      but more often

i tell myself to let you know

that I still love you

but what good will that do

when circumstances haven't changed

not mine, not yours

they remain closed

all these unforgiving doors

and I'm just stuck outside 

wondering what to do

feeling so hurt 

so entirely through with

waiting. 

so entirely through with

breaking

my own heart. 

a thousand times over-

<this being human>

beauty is a dark cloud

The Weight of My Words

thoughts on a tree top

thoughts on a tree top

     the branches are solid. 

the birds flit up above 

     i will stay up here forever

                

                    somewhere 

between the sky 

between the earth

            somewhere between 

this world
            and the    next

for here be peace.
                    here be rest.

/////return to fitrah 

    

and i think about what's to come 

     solitude

by the sea

i begin to countdown
the days till i can leave

the noise of the city 

              

   and return 

to myself 

to nature

      the sands 

the pine forests 

       the empty paths
the unmarked maps

and no where
and no one 

and nothing

     

but Allah

return to fitrah
-to be alone/
to find home
once again

divergence

its almost...

             september already

   oh lord,  

                 my heart is feeling heavy 

i almost.....

      forgot where I was going

oh lord, 

            i have no way of knowing

               if this path will lead me anywhere

but if it will lead me back to You, I swear

     I will follow the co-ordinates

 C-four / K-twenty -three 

       lord, please be with me

every step of this   lonesome journey

oh lord, 

               i lost my way

                             -interlude- 

I       almost.....  couldn't say 

anything 

so long 

       goodbye 

so long

please try

to take care of yourself

goodbye         

        paths diverge

and life....

goes on. but it never does 

                 for without heart

there is nothing

oh Lord, 

                I'm still waiting

on a miracle 

               though a million have already occurred

oh Lord

I'm waiting on a miracle

                   a dream differed. 

deterred, by difficulty 

the road ahead

oh lord

i miss You

canteen lyf

weight upon weight

from the back ends of borough market

to the castle canteen

   I'm losing 

                                    steam

  half-living 

                             in an oddball dream 

in it, remain piles of unwashed dishes

and mountains of vegetables

sketchy and wondrous characters

sitting on pastel-coloured round tables

trading tall tales, absurd fables

ilham brings me flowers

that she picked from her garden
mira brings me china plate
on it a pink boy and a pink girl are kissing
words above
kissin don't last
words below
cookin' do
john brings me something too
half a packet of lockets, a celine dion cd
anji brings me a book
the sensuous poetress
a book of poems
written by an aging minx
that sometimes frequents the castle
I read one, and wince
I convince
myself, that everything is fine
but the line
is blurring           and change is occurring 

david accompanies me, to fetch black pepper

i wait on a golden ticket at sainsbury's

                    it takes so long

    like everything 

    every thing in this dream

a spectacle of visions           

stella, she says I'm too kind

and that people will walk all over me

i know she's wrong and I know she's right

     i know im wrong and i know i'm right

aerus sings a song and plays the guitar

and afterwards asks if i'll marry him
strum on, 

o_0
I walk backwards

etherealla says her legs aren't working so good

/ |
elsie goes on about the narcissist, and power and abuse

what's the use

no she doesn't want to get married

no, already she's carried

too much weight, the weight of others

lovers

that never knew the how to love

warren's not shown up for weeks

maybe he's gone back in

I think maybe I'll bump into him

fishing by the wandles edge

Barry's indoors most days

paul hardly comes round, he says 

it all gets too much

someone told me they saw him at the tent

martin's head aches have stopped

he's stopped asking about brothels

he's stopped wearing his aviator glasses

and his top hat

he tried to give pretty yasmin 10 pounds

merril's still smiling

despite it all, the MS is ever limiting

making warriors of the sick

alan is still going to the hope group

at springfield 

he said so, I dropped a flyer off at his house

I didn't know it was his house

margie is back

she gave fidyah, because she can't fast

the cancer's gone, 

her mother's gone too

she said she went to australia to say goodbye

later tony comes by

I don't know where he went

navid is away

I hope he found the comfort he sought

Ray wasn't around

Ted got spooked

the man who puts out the vegetables

from the bloodied mountains of pakistan

is becoming mute

he says its hard, and the devil comes at him from every side

in a dream I told him to hold tight

to God's rope

he signs he saw sam

and he wasn't himself

agressive and in pain

he wasn't himself

and gosh, 

the weight, it's sometimes crushing

   depleting

mrs patel grabs the bread and soup

the others cry out      

meanwhile

in the kitchens the highly functioning golden girls

chop and cook and stir

perhaps soon, another change will occur

canteen life

gets me high

brings me down

         
canteen life
goes round and round

ella

Ella

i hell'a

hope

the rest of your days

are filled with sunshine

and lasting joy

 you've enriched my life

ten folds, what can I say 

you brighten each and every day 

with your songs

and your presence

with your outrageous jokes

and worldly life lessons

you got me in stitches

& brought me to tears 

you're a special soul 

& I thank you my dear

god bless you ella 

i think of you

months have passed

              & you're still 

always on my mind

          & i'm still 

trying so hard to find

     an atoms weight of peace

         and i'm still 

waiting on the ease

               that follows 

                   hardship 

   hardship

          to sew each rip

string and needle

of a tattered heart

     a patchwork in progress

textile art
yet, it still exists
    your heart   

 & in the month of ramadan

you start

(to feel again)

       ramadan
<3  + - //://: @ <///3   

             I pray for calm, 

and a stillness

+
for the sadness to subsist

                  I pray and I wish 

   and I pray for you 

                   when I open my fast

I pray for your happiness
^_^

               I sincerely ask

Allah to take care of you

   & of all tattered hearts

comfort becomes sparse

                                   at times 

but lest we forget

the One is nearer to us

     than we sometimes feel

SubhanAllah  

presence

I stare at the blank page

           open      on whatsapp, 

and I wait and I wait and I wait 

for the word to appear under your name

online

It flickers into existence 

like a hologram

   a mirage

online

transient letters 

      imprinted on a surface

    only a surface 

                    you surface 

         

online

          and for a moment in time

       time stops. 

and here we are 

we are both here

        so faraway

so very near

your presence lingers

         I disappear 

I go back

  

        online

you're no longer there

..... I stare and I stare and I stare

at the blank page before me

and there are

so many things I wish to say. I miss you.

so much, I wish I could make you stay

present

but goodbye is done

and we've already  become 

cyber ghosts

drifting in and out of unspoken dialogue

haunting....

                 presence 

your presence 

    I hope it never lessens

for it's all I have of you

love