ocd

yeah man

I got an OCD 

kinda personality 

it's probably not that hard to see

that I gotta go cold turkey

but man, will that make me

understand more clearly? 

yeah I'm not nearly

convinced, yeah I've rinsed

this of everything
so let me just sink,
into sweet anonymity

make it back

for if I never make it back 

let me tell you the truth

I probably never would have made it back 

-yeah I still haven't much improved-

yeah I still lack the courage to face you 

yeah, it's true, I wish I said it all then 

maybe then, 

I wouldn't spend the nights 

wishing I could mend you
and take back all the hurt I put you through,
or maybe even undo

everything that passed. Gosh

the past, when will it disappear

when will I no longer care

about it, about stuff that's come and gone

how does one cease to prolong,
the inevitable

yeah I wish I could forget things

yeah I wish I could grow a set of wings

glorious ones gold ones 

and fly away (not runaway)

I pray to one day
know and understand

rough terrain

hiking up the rough terrain

in fairlight,

he was trying to attain

piety, 

he was trying to dissociate

with the lies that he

had substituted for truth
 the truth he never claimed 

he needed the rough terrain  

like a poet needs pain

like a naturist dreads the coming rain

on a cold winters night

-at the beach in fairlight-

it's not fair, like.

why couldn't he just 

come back

fixed

dark places/ we share

still behind bars

still covered in scars

who knew we'd last

this long

so now, 

let's continue to endure

let's some how, some way, ensure 

that when we get out of here

we'll never return

-these dark places-

too small earth/ too big world

yeah my wallet, it got jacked

-lost track, of where I was-
but I sort of wish 

my phone had been too

then maybe I wouldn't 

have to listen to you

nah, I wouldn't have to listen to you

instead I could just be
lost in a sea 

of tourists, Lord it's 

too early in the day

for the hours to stray

to go back home

to go back to sleep

if only i could keep

dreaming the right dreams

dreams

hmm maybe she's right

maybe I am a waste

maybe I do just like the chase

but what am I chasing 

really? and he's the brother

of an old friend, a robber actually

who went round the bend
he served his time, and the eldest is

a cowboy, he didn't comit a crime

but why did you tell me

his name

why did you tell me 

the worlds too small 

for I already knew
for I've been telling you this

sis, 

from the very first second

man, days like this

when I feel so shit

when they're people everywhere

all I want is to disappear

instead let me just go to my room

and close the door behind me

hoover building

hanger lane

a right pain

in the backside yeah

ah to tear 

across the grey sea

the grey sky split

the rain came down on me

hanger lane

how can I remain

here I waited 

and a bus arrived 

it didn't stop

'-drrrrrrrrrrrrriiiivvvvvvvvvveeeeeeee-'

just keep driving

it went through me

then I was on it

the bus

kind of like in a movie

a sci-fi one

hanger lane

what a pain

motorways 

cross roads

to just be relieved 

of the heavy load

that presses against your shoulders

perivale

hoover building
i'm still building
stuff up and waiting and waiting 

and the board about donors

of the life source on the tube

man don't force

conception/

looking at that view

wandering what to do

hoover building/ westgate house

hanger lane

wandering in circles 

wandering in pain

trails

this

sort of a trail

along with the pictures

I hope they won't fail 

to tell the story

or at least part of it

when I finally wake up

when I can finally sit

and take it all in 

everything that I missed

then I'll be brisk, 

then I'll take a tour 

of these expressions
images and letters that I store

the pages
if they exist still

I'll try to work through them

the obscure stages

a hundred thousand words

a hundred thousand pictures

and yet I still haven't 

soaked in 

anything. 

not a second of reality
not a moment of truth

pre-pay

It got so bad

I'd use pre-pay 

never bought a weekly
-meagrely- 

I never knew if I'd last you see
another day

-of my job? nah mate, 

it ran 

so much deeper than that

I never knew if I'd last

the universe

this given curse

yeah even now

it's hard to explain
just how

hard its been

living life

 in this techni-colour dream

demon

body

host to a demon

reason 

failed

since the first day

of a new year 

I woke up shaking and proper dazed yeah

since that night

nothings been right

since the first of jan 

since the hand 

slipped away from this minds eye

yeah reality

it's stranger then fiction

mine encompasses both

and i'm still dying inside

and the process of this death is still

trying to derive

something something something

from me

the MAX

pissed off to the max

pretty unusual for a girl 

who's usually pretty lax

man I'm at my wits end

and I need to vent

before they cement

my thoughts, my ill feelings

see I've hit another glass ceiling
-shattered!-

and you don't get it, do you

I've given my life

my heart, my soul 

my everything to this

even though 

it's been a roller coaster

even though I got back nothing
most of the 

time, yeah s'been hard 

so hard, to teach myself

everything I now know

and everytime I get close
BAAAM! another blow
rollercoaster
It's been a ride, the crazy kind

man I wouldn't mind

but shit if only you knew

what I been through 

to get here

how much I had to give

how much I had to bare

and I know, Lord I know 

I've achieved excellence

against all odds!

with nothing to go on 

but I could achieve so much more

if I just had the space

the time, the support

I know I could and

man I'm just so pissed 

that they missed

all the advice I gave

and now we're in this grave

situation

shit, I can't formulate

the words that will make

work work for me

and its so goddamn frustrating,

can't you see!

can't you see
 we could be

so much more that this

I've said my piece, 

yeah I've vented

now I just need to send it

some place constructive
-all these ideas-

box man, boss fam

remember smosh man

the box man 

I placed a box over my head fam

nah, it wasn't part of da plan,
I just went
and made faces in da box

and on da box 

and it was part of me

with da box over my head

I could be
da box man 

I could be da boss, fam
I don't give a toss man
 about dem tings

 daaaaaaaaaamn

know your worth

never take kindness for granted

for one day you'll be without 

then you'll remember

the meaning of it 

of kindness, leaving this place

yeah i never felt more displaced 

with the past, contrast it, 

and you won't believe you lasted

the duration, what with everything 

faith, yeah but yours didn't last
yeah man, I never been made to feel
this much of an outcast

I never been made to feel so low

so lacking, so caught in the undertow

and if this is what they're like,

I'll go back to my silly childish-ness

humanity, to just be 

not so far behind

yeah I admit I tried to remind myself 

tried to convince myself that 

I worked through so much

on every goddamn level 

achieved so much 

within and without

but the world is such 

that they'll never notice the good

and yeah I don't care so much about that

cos if i did, if I was a quitter

I'd be gone, man I'd have walked

 a hundred times over

but you see 

its not about me or you or anyone else
even if you mean well and maybe you do

but its about the cause, nothing more
yeah it's why I'm still here

i'm here for the cause and 

yeah until I fulfil 

my duty 

I will not leave 

no matter how hard you treat 

me. I know my worth

and it's more than this 

so much more that this.

but until its fulfilled, I will

not disappear

-love you all, every last one of you, 

for the sake of God-

(even now) 

not a quitter

not all of us can afford

the luxury of insanity 

hmm do you think I planned to be

this way?'

do you not wonder why I pray

each and every day for my return 

listen, don't turn 

this around on me

you know I never planned to be

this way, 

I never planned for my life

to fray

to fall apart at the seams

and it seems

you've blamed

the wrong entity

blamer

a bit of a no-brainer? 

I lost mine

get lost, yeah.

tooting couple

the weirdest couple I ever saw

yeah I saw them 

waiting for the green man

to appear outside the station, 

a tooting pair

they looked proper strange, I swear 

they looked like they were from another world

he: blond dreadlocks, a raggedy bum

she: beside him with a definitive bump

she kept stroking it, her unborn

her frizzy black hair swayed wildly 

in the background

and she didn't wait for the green man

no, she crossed the road without him

without green man, without blond dreadlocks

and he was in too much of a daze to realise

until she called him from the other side

a strange tooting couple

a couple,

 of interesting human folk

...dying breed, perhaps not...

don't geddit

why do you love me 

so much 

when I'm nothing

yeah I'm not nearly enough

not nearly worthy

of your love

and it worries me 

that I worry you

because it must mean

it must mean that I've been 

slipping again

I don't want you to 

worry about me 

I'm tougher than nails 

I'm a fighter 

you know me well enough to know

that I'll burn brighter

with every set back

with every blow

I'll never stay down

I'll never stay low

-my God is close-

but still 

it worries me 

that I worry you 

and it confounds me 

that you love me so much

when I can never be certain stuff

like good or whatever

whatever mister

sort of, kind of, miss

mister e, even though

he surely can't miss me

sort of, kind of, miss 

questions and answers

cos well maybe

I never got to ask the big ones

the scary ones, the really airy fairy ones

like what's keeping you up

what's knocking you down, 

like what's making you frown,
in that way
like I don't know

what are you doing
with your one precious life

like, what's wrong with me
why do I still drive

people away

like, yeah both taciturn,
but I wish I had learnt

a way to better deal 

with the way I am
the way you have.

I don't know man, whatever

maybe I'm just bored again

been thinking maybe I should send 

myself away somewhere

like Soufease,
yeah to be at ease in soufease

a poem to a friend

what I'll miss the most

about you, about me

about us

is the truth

that encompassed

the fact that you knew 

everything

but nothing too

I'll miss everything about you

girl I'll miss our shared lunches

outside the British Museum under the sun, 

in such a short space of time, you've become

one of my closest and dearest friends

and I can't believe we're fast approaching the end

of an era. I'm going to miss you girl

I'll miss your cusses, your compliments

I'll miss Primarks

yeah I did just say that, I think I meant it too  

I'll miss hanging out in Primarks with you 

after work. 

I'll miss that you call it primarks

I'll miss buying you food

I'll miss you buying me food

our long conversations

our jokes 

lugging around boxes

and getting into cabs

I'll miss being dragged

to some place boring like the bank or post office

girl you're a true novice

I'll miss running errands, 

yours and mine

I'll miss listening to you when you whine

I'll miss all your questions 

and you asking me how to spell stuff

and yeah girl

I'm just really going to miss you

I'll miss ice-cream after work in Maccy D's

I'll miss those countless trips to KFC

I'll miss Diwan

the way to make me feel calm

when you give me a hug

I'll miss the faith you have in me

when I have none in myself

I'll miss your strength, your kindness

shared prayers, the drama, your layers

the walls you build around yourself

hard, I know you are, 

but you've got a heart of gold 

see I know you like they don't

the way you know me like they don't

whatever you do, I won't 

let you, do nothing.
you can be anything/ so be it

girl I'm going to miss you something fierce

-real friendship-

best friends in monochrome

so far away still 

just when I thought I was

getting somewhere

so far away still 

but with you beside me

looking at the eye

turn, slowly

ever so slowly, upwards

and around 

and around

a single gaze
that's all it took
melancholic/ monochrome 

lamenting, for we've both grown 

weary as we both lie 

on the same old
black and white

grass, 

listening to the beautiful grey tunes
-long long long last-

how soon is too soon

to dismantle this aging and tiresome room

to throw it all away

girl, we're the same 

of course we are

but I didn't know we shared

the same scar

in the same place

let's face

grey pelican 

grey building

grey coconut shake

together let's make a break 

for it, deep joy, comfort 

girl, will we ever learn

will we ever grow up

will we ever move from here

here 

we share the the same conversation

year on year

and year on year

nothing changes
yeah, nothing ever changes

every year 

yeah, it rearranges
 its hues, but it remains the same

and we know which road to take, 

but we never do. 

lets take it now, together

let's walk the path

cornflakes factory

'Oh for Pete's sake 

who let the cornflakes

get stuck behind 

the oven conveyor belt!?'
-a moment of silence-

'You know I smelt 

the burning corn

from over a mile off'

said Joe, who had just arrived

he could barely suppress a scoff

the others just looked down

-the silence resumed-
it had been a while

since the fire crew had 

tackled the fire

no one had owned up

Tim didn't know who to fire

ah hell, maybe it's about time 

I just retire

he thought

creases all over his face

deepening, as he spoke again, 

I've had about enough of this place

the drama of this makeshift workspace

-the cornflakes factory-

working here is no longer

satisfactory

and this fire

has made me see

that I'm not supposed to be

here any more

so thank you guys 

and dislodged cornflakes

thanks for helping me to make

my decision
-and he left-

the stake

burned at the stake 

for a mistake 

he never dared to make

yeah he paid
the price

for eternity's vice

not beloved A, no

not somebody 

we've collectively
come to know

just somebody who was

-invisible-

a ghost
not a witch

a human ghost
did he make the switch?

who knows, all I know
is that he was burned at the stake 

for a mistake 

that he never made

the human ghost

he never weighed 

up the consequences 

for taking the heat 

the heat of a fire

that burned right through

though his spirit lives on

in lieu, in a memory 

that resides within us

the one we can't quite place

his presence, imbued with grace

debasement, he was effaced

on the face of it

burned at the stake 

burnt off the earth

for a chance 

he didn't take 

for human eternity's mistake
he spent time, all of it
with the fire

but he never said a word
not a single word
he just burned
in silence
silence is gold
silence burns/ silence earns
collective guilt
-rip ashes-

true heart

how to go back

when your true heart

has been shrouded in crap
for so long

when it's been covered 

in a thousand particles 

of black

how to go back 

when you're stuck

when your hearts 

congealed/ 

hardened

it's hard to feel

 when the heart is sealed;

the eyes can't see

when the heart is sealed;

it's hard to believe 

anything, any tiny thing

it's hard to understand

it's hard to stand 

firm/ it's hard to learn 

anything, any tiny thing

it's hard to remember

do you remember

your true heart? 

It still exists

it just requires
-       work       -
so seek it out 

so don't go about 

ignoring it: your true heart

forgiveness/ repentance/ penance

tawbah
freedom
there for the taking

scruffy gentleman

you sat there

in front of your board

on it
written in scruffy handwriting

'anything will do'

 a hug, or even a smile;

he taught us, hundreds of years ago 

this is charity

and so I smiled 

and you smiled back 

slightly taken aback
 -by an alien emotion-
but it wasn't enough

I didn't feel 

like it was enough

so I rummaged

so I retrieved 

so I gave 

to you

scruffy gentleman

keep your spirit true

forever

spark words

unmoving 

words

unmoveable

words

a flame

in the rain

flickering 

in death

sparks

spaaaaaaarkks

they left

they departed from 

the fire

words 

tire

of meaning

of being 

responsible

flame 

rain 

words

(unmoving)

-to write

i write
for myself
to preserve my mental health

i write 

to compensate

for things that I never say

i write
to recognise

the things I might otherwise

-overlook-

a hundred reasons

a hundred reasons to stay

a hundred why I'm more than okay

to be here right now

a hundred reasons

to not bow

out: black cabs, jokes wherever

praying and being able to,

helping and being able to 

make a difference

and giving up the indifference

and watching them laugh

and finishing each task

and knowing that there's so much more

to come

from me, from them 

we can work it out yeah

and my sidekick, 

no wait, she's my sidekick

and I like it. This. 

and the blue dirc 

and the water wells in Juba

and the shabelle river

and their smiling faces

and Somali kindness

and getting closer to my dusty punjab dream

yeah, I'm exactly where I'm suppose to be

sick of it

man, I'm so sick of it

of saying goodbye 

of slowly, so slowly

/cutting each tie/

of losing touch

yeah I admit 

it doesn't hurt so much

any more, but it still hurts. 

yeah it still hurts

man, I'm so sick of it

I'm so sick of drifting

and being drawn to other drifters

drifters who drift

away from me

drifters who leave
to seek out something better.

(does something better even exist?)

yeah man, I'm so sick 

of the earth being so big

and friends being so far away 

across the globe, 

scattered 

and so am I

why
 are there so many oceans

so many land forms

so many gaps between us

gaps; they've formed
barriers

-impenetrable barriers-

family, friends,
pieces of my soul

ones I love most
ones that make me feel whole

they're never here
and
I'm trying to figure out still

why they disappear

the people I most care 

about in the world

she said to me 

one day I'm going to see you on TV
and I'm going to breathe a sigh of relief
and say 

'well it's about time'
and
 I'm going to say

'what took you so long?'

girl, if only you knew
how talented you are

how far,
you're bound to go
and
me going away,
it won't make a difference
it won't make you stay

and

if I never met you
it would have been far worse
and you'll see me again
and I'll be on your case/ I'll reimburse
you
and you'll baby sit my kids

when I have them
and you'll teach them about the world

 girl,
I love you
so do I
she said,
as we chewed on fries

girl you're going away 

what's keeping me here

why am I still here

when I'm supposed to be
elsewhere
by now. Shit I still don't know how

to live. 

life

to slump in a chair 

to look out of a window

to wish you were there

-anywhere-

but in that silly swivel chair

ahh to spend your 

remaining youth 

in truth, with them,

where did they go?

idle in trinidad

sort of wish 

I was in Trinidad right now

sitting by the beach

sipping on juice

hanging out 

with my one and only muse

you ever wish you could just lose

so you'd no longer fear losing

so you could cut your loses

(no/ not so/ not loses, maybe

they're actually wins)

ever wish you could just swim

and hang out by the shore 

and not work for 

any cause or any one or anything

ever wish you couldn't think 

but just sit by the beach all day

and not say/
anything/ to breathe/ to just be

idle

rio to aldgate

carolena

brazilian girl 

from the big issue

sorry I dashed off, had I only
 stuck around to wish you 

good luck and happy days 

sitting with you there

on the green grass 

it was waaay 

nice

the outward

so you trimmed your beard 

so you traded in your scarf 

for a woolly hat, girl,
didn't it mean more to you than that? 

boy it wasn't your beard 

that they feared

never mind

me yeah, 

I'ma hold my head up high, 

I'ma defy 

their empty command (to feel guilt)

I'ma demand so much more 

than what they tell me is possible 

me yeah, 

i'ma not afraid

I've already laid 

down my defences, 

I've already weighed 

up them rights and wrongs

them pro's and con's 

 we already been conned 

so many times before 

me, yeah 

I'ma keep doing what I do 

I'ma keep walkin' 

I'ma keep talking 

-truth-

cos somebody needs to 

words: disarming

they're less harming 

than the ones they use 

the ones they abuse 

words, words that can't 

speak for themselves

so let me speak 

and if I ever end in jail 

or dead, for speaking truth 

at least I'll have lead 

the life for me, 

at least I'll have said 

the things that I believe 

and really I believe in peace

-not so taciturn-